Caring for a Woman Pregnant from Sexual Assault

My name is Rowena. I am a Christ-follower. I am a freedom-fighter for life. What does that mean? For the last twenty years, I have been fighting for my own personal freedom. I was a victim of incest, sex trafficking, rape and physically forced abortions. It was during the years of sex trafficking (five years total), I became pregnant many times.

While I never saw the inside of a clinic, I know the effects abortions have on the mind, spirit and body. For a sexual assault survivor, abortion is another type of assault. Now, I am a freedom-fighter for the lives and care of women who have become pregnant from sexual assault as they navigate making life-affirming choices for themselves and their child not yet born. This article is to enlighten the hearts and minds of those who want to better understand how to walk along side a women who is pregnant from sexual assault. 

As I engage in conversation about walking along side women who are pregnant from various types of sex crimes, a common response or reaction I receive from hurt and angry survivors is that if they had gotten pregnant from rape that they would have had an abortion, but I promise that IT WOULD TRAUMATIZE THEM FURTHER. Often, the hurt survivor isn’t thinking about the process of abortion, which I will discuss in a bit more detail later. In these situations, it is so important to have empathy. 

Surviving a brutal rape or years of being raped by a family member or being sold for sex is dehumanizing and causes great shame and false guilt. A survivor saying she would have an abortion is often speaking from this very place. Unless you have been in this deep dungeon of horror, you cannot understand where she is at. Tread lightly and with a soft and compassionate heart for her pain.

One of the biggest gaps in the rape exception line of thought is that we want to “force” women to carry a “rapist baby”. The woman who has suffered trauma needs tremendous love and care. She needs time to process what has happened to her. She needs time for her body to heal from the brutality of rape. This time is vital to her well being. Remember, she is working through a very deep trauma.  

When she finds out she is pregnant, she needs time to breathe and take in the information without added outside pressure. There will be outside pressures to be sure. She will have questions and concerns. When she sees the doctor, she will likely be told that an abortion will make her life easier. As you hold her hand and speak life, don’t pressure her about the baby. God has given women a mother’s heart. Speak about how valuable her life is and the life of her baby.

This strong, yet broken woman needs time to adjust to what is happening. It as been anywhere from 5 weeks to a few months since her assault. She needs loving support to help hold her up and speak Life into her. She needs to hear that it is okay to not be okay. She needs to hear that it will eventually be okay. She needs to hear that she isn’t a freak for carrying a baby from rape.

She is going to be hearing things like, “How can you stand to carry the RAPIST BABY?”, “Get rid of it. It is DEMON SPAWN!”, “An abortion will help you heal faster.”, or “What if that THING looks like your RAPIST?” 

As you can see, the survivor is still under attack when she find out that she is pregnant. What she needs to hear from those of us, who say that we stand for life, is that she is beautiful, she can and will heal, and that the life she is carrying in her is a gift. She needs to know that SHE MATTERS IN THIS WHOLE PROCESS! The more this woman is nurtured and cared for, the more she will flourish and make life-affirming choices.

So far I have talked about what some of the needs of the survivor are. Now I want to highlight how harmful abortion is for a pregnant sexual assault survivor. What I am about to describe is disturbing, so brace yourself. Do you know what is happening in the procedure of an abortion? If you are not sure, please visit https://www.abortionprocedures.com for small videos that illustrate what abortions look like at each stage of pregnancy. The action of  an abortion is taking place in the very part of the survivor’s body that was so forcibly traumatized. Her body will need time to heal from the trauma of rape. The suggestion of abortion will likely cause her body to have unconscious reactions due to the thought of having anything near the vaginal area. Most people do not think about these kinds of details when they say that abortion in the case of rape is acceptable. Please education yourself and others about what abortion truly is and does to better love and care for these mothers.

Stop sending her to slaughter houses that perpetuate further abuse on her after a rape or other sexual exploitations. I know that the terminology is gruesome sounding, but think about what happened to the survivor you are caring for and what would happen in the clinic. The wording is fitting, given what she has already overcome. Instead, love her, stand by her, fight for her and her baby. Show her how precious she is and her child. Speak truth and shine light into the darkness around her. Combat the lies about her situation with truth. Let her love you back and therefore allowing her love to flourish for her baby. Think about it. As you embrace this woman, you are a God-given bridge to her healing and wholeness. 

Encourage her to talk about her thoughts and feeling about the baby. Use encouraging and life-affirming words. Don’t identify the pregnancy with the sexual assault. This will happen enough from other sources including her own processing. This is her child, her baby. Let me repeat this again…

Her child. Her baby. 

As her heart calms, she will see the hope of the life growing inside her. 

Anyone who loves and cares for a survivor mother will not suggest abortion after a sexual assault. 

While there is so much more that I could say about this topic, I will add this final point: I know that there are “pro-lifers” out there that only seem to care about the baby. THIS IS WRONG! I have seen comments saying how bad rape is, but that murdering a baby is worse. Did you know that in the Old Testament of the Bible, both murder and rape were punishable by death? How dare anyone of you tell a survivor of sexual assault that her trauma is bad, but if you murder your baby, you are worse. There is no love or compassion in this comment. THIS WILL NOT LEAD HER TO MAKE A LIFE AFFIRMING CHOICE. Instead she will run from you. As people who claim to stand for life, we need to take a survivor’s hand and walk with her through the storm before her with encouragement, life-affirming words and compassion. 

Could we see a woman who conceives from sexual assault choosing abortion? It is possible because she is a broken woman, scared and feelings alone. Should we condemn her or shun her? A Big Resounding NO! We love her and speak the truth of the Gospel to her. We realize that her wounds are now doubled. 

I pray that this helps someone, more that just someone, many people who struggle with the rape exception. There are no exception in life. God creates all human life in His image, in His likeness. We should cherish and fight to give dignity to the survivor and her child when they are at their most vulnerable.

Remember, I am no stranger to abortion. Lives were stolen from me. Too many to count. I was raped by countless men as my body was sold. Then I was raped under the word “abortion”. STOP USING THIS TO ALLOW CHILDREN TO BE MURDERED AND WOMEN TO BE FURTHER TRAUMATIZED.

Be a Freedom-Fighter for Life.

Close My Eyes and Run

I was playing a game on my phone, losing over and over at a particular level. Frustration started to overtake me. Ha! Over a silly game, my emotions were having a party. I have experienced bigger failures than losing at a phone game, and not felt so defeated. I know that I can beat this level with just a few more moves. The thing is I don’t have any more moves left. I am running in circles in my head trying to figure out how to outsmart this level, and then It hits me. He hits me with an “aha” moment. This is what I look like when I try to run the race on my own. Do you know what I am talking about?

In the phone game, I can earn or buy power-ups or extra lives. In real life, I am either running on my own steam or by His strength. I cannot earn or buy anything to help me. There is only one name that has the power to redeem, rescue and save me in my race. So often as a Christian, it is easy to forget just how much the Gospel still applies to me. It applies to every part of my race to the finish line, to the goal. As today moved on, I struggled with the fact that until I have finished the race, I will carry this battle-worn body. This body and earthly mind have all the wounds and scars of the years of abuse. Just like in the game, I could run in circles trying to bypass what the Lord is walking me through on my own, or surrender to the difficult path and allow Him to do the work of unraveling my broken and messy heart. 

Unlike my phone game, I didn’t succumb to failure. Instead, I journaled, turned on praise music and let my heart be free before the Founder and Perfecter of my faith, Christ Jesus.(Hebrews 12:1-2) Out of this time of unsettled waters, came the poem below. It is deep and real. I pray that anyone feeling trapped in any kind of abuse or trafficking would know that there is Power and hope in the Name of Christ. Please reach out. 

Close My Eyes


Close my eyes, I hear a song
His hands move to the beat
Rushing, rushing, beating, slow. 
Tears escape as I pray for the day to end
Day one


Close my eyes, I hear it again
Hands move to the beat, different hands with his.
Rushing, beating, slow and repeat
Tears sink deep as I pray for the day or maybe the week to end.
Two


Close my body, I see the song play
So many hands move to the beat, money and words mixing
Rushing, beating, slow and repeat.
Babies removed as tears rush through my prayers for the years to end
Three


Close my eyes, I hear a song
Hands all around, don’t skip a beat
Rushing, beating, slow and repeat.
Tears, tears as I ask when will I belong to me?
Four, Five, Six and on and on.


Close my eyes, I hear a song
Redemption’s Hands lift me up
Ragged, blood rushing, heart half-beating
Slowly tears of relief come
Dear Christ Jesus: Day One

Copyright 6July2020 Rowena Slusser

Broken Pieces

Body memories are something I had never heard of before that dreadful memory came into full view. I had them but didn’t know what was happening. I knew that I had been raped when Casey was at training, but I couldn’t remember the details. Then one day, a pair of eyes brought every detail into focus. Then body memories shattered my healing journey, or so I thought.

 
How often I look back on my younger years of marriage and long for the freedom I felt then. I had less sexual inhibitions with my husband, even though my healing was still so raw. Experimenting with husband was scary and exciting. I had waited until meeting Casey to give my broken heart away. I wanted to experience new things with him. I wanted to GIVE him myself, something I had never experienced. So I had prayed to my Heavenly Father, asking Him to help me protect my heart from anymore scavengers. 

Surviving incest, rape and trafficking for sixteen years had taken its toll on my mind, and heart. I had no thought to the ravaging effects on my body. In the earlier years of dating and marriage, there were extremes. Extreme flashbacks, where I would push my boyfriend/husband away in fear and uncertainty, then when I calmed down, wanting to explore and try something new and exciting. I just wanted to be free with my love. My desire was to feel everything I could with Casey. I would push though physical pain, not realizing that I was doing this. I was pushing through body memories. 

More of my life has been made clear to me. I have survived forced abortions. My young body was tortured with raw instruments to end life growing in me. New body memories were created and locked deep away. I have had issues that caused me to loose the ability to have anymore children. Thankfully, God redeemed my losses of life with two beautiful children, a son and a daughter. Later, due to the effects of the forced abortions, I had to have a complete hysterectomy. I still have severe body memories from the horror I was put through by my pimp.

 
As the years have passed, the Lord Jesus has been faithful to heal my mind of the lies that have been buried deep, due to all the sexual depravity that was forced on me. Mentally, I have learned to see negative thoughts and capture them to the obedience of Christ. I have continually renewed my mind in Christ Jesus. (Romans 12:1-2) I have learned not to live in my feelings, but to be sober-minded and walk in the truth because Jesus is the truth. (John 14:6) For all the work that Christ has done in me and through my obedience to Him, I have found in my most recent years a lack of physical freedom with my husband, who is my most precious gift from the Father. 

With each new memory that is brought to a place of clarity, my body seems to shut down, even as my mind and heart are healing. This is the reality of body memories. Did you know that the body remembers what the mind doesn’t want to or can’t handle? The body remembers everything! These last few years I have prayed for freedom, and still my body hurts and responds to my husband’s touch in unwelcoming ways. I long for my husband. He loves me so very well. He is a walking picture of Christ Jesus love for me. I want to make love to him. I want to be wild and free with my husband, but all I have is broken piece to give!

And then, one night, after my husband has tried yet again to pursue me, a body memory stops it all. All I can think is what a scourge I am to my husband! Do you know what a scourge is? Let me tell you. From the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a scourge is 1: a whip, especially one used to inflict pain or punishment, 2: an instrument of punishment or criticism, 3: a cause of wide or great affliction. For me, I thought I was cause of great pain and affliction to Casey. When I finally spoke to him, I told him that I was a scourge on him. 

Casey, a man full of loving firmness, told me to look at him. I was very resistant. I knew that there was love in his eyes, and I was most definitely unlovable. I couldn’t even perform my wifely duties, thanks to these damn body memories. However, I couldn’t resist him for long. I turned to him. He said that I was speaking lies. I was not a scourge. OH the broken pieces of me spilling out everywhere! What a mess! I totally lost it. I looked at his eyes, and could not handle the love pouring out! I felt so f-ed up! 
I didn’t hold back. Maybe if I just let it all go, he would get mad and leave. “What do you want from me? I am just this broken, f-ed up mess! Is this what you want? A woman who can’t have sex right now because her body won’t do what her heart wants her to? I have snot and tears everywhere, and I am just broken and f-ed up!!!!! Is this what you want??!!??”

He looked at me with such love and tears. He whispered with a strong voice, “Yes.” He said, “Rowena, all I have prayed for since we have been together is to have all of you, and finally, I see and do. You are so amazing and beautiful!” (Okay, I am about to cry typing this out. How I love this man!) He held me and caressed me for hours. I had body memories, and for the first time ever, I held Casey tighter. My body still goes against what my heart says, but I hold on to Casey instead of run. 

I said at the beginning that I thought that body memories had shattered my healing journey, but what my Gracious Redeemer has been doing is drawing me closer to Him. I have learned two very precious lessons this last week. The first lesson is that because of the finished work of the cross, I am not a scourge, but a beautiful blessing to my husband! The second lesson is that when I was letting Casey have it and asking him if he really wanted this broken, f-ed up women, I was really asking that of my LORD and Savior, who already made that decision when He called me His own. He wants me, all of me. Broken pieces and all. 

Body memories still come, but I now know that I only need to run TO  the arms of my Redeemer, as I run into the arms of my lover and husband. My body may break, but God created our two hearts to be one. My brokenness is beautiful to my husband. My broken, messy parts are what Christ wants so desperately to bind up and renew. I want to leave you with a few verses. 

Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Abortion-It Was Not My Choice, But Where is My Baby?

I have hesitated speaking out about my abortion experience because I didn’t choose it. I was being raped by one of the father-figures in my life, and he was pimping me out to other men at age eleven. He told me that I would have no babies. I really didn’t understand what he meant until he took me to a place and ripped my baby out of my body. He did this often for 5 years.

During my eleventh year, I thought I was having a bad period, but it was the effects of the tools he used to make my baby die. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but he suspected. I never went to a clinic. He took care of the “problem” himself. I was eleven years old and really had no concept of what abortion was. When I became an adult and miscarried my first child with my now-husband, I realized that what I saw at age eleven was an 8 week old baby come out of me. I thought I miscarried because I had blocked out parts of the memories of the abortions performed on me. For years, I always assumed that I had gotten pregnant and miscarried that baby.

Then about nine months ago, I started to remember more clearly things that happened. I had pieces of the memories, but part of trauma is that the brain can block what is too painful to remember. One night I was sleeping and wake up screaming “There is no baby! There is no baby!”. Pain gripped my body, especially where my womb use to be. All the fussy images came together and I saw what I couldn’t handle seeing for so long. My rapist/pimp was his own god and decided that my baby and to go. Once I was able to calm down and process what I was reliving, I realized that the baby I lost at age eleven was indeed an abortion and not a miscarriage. Again, this man that should have been protecting me, routinely scraped me to kill any life growing in my body. I don’t know why I don’t remember my other babies, but I am sure that I will see a few in heaven.

I want to explain that abortion is a convenience to cover the crimes of incest, rape and trafficking. My perpetrator used his own means to rip growing life from my body. I wonder how many men got away with raping me while my pimp passed me out to church member and other men. How many times did his actions of performing abortions hide the children that would have possibly saved me. Imagine if there had been a clinic close by!

I was victimized over and over with the rape and trafficking, but I was also RAPED by the ABORTIONS. Our bodies were never intended to have our wombs emptied by outside forces coming in. (Ladies reading this post, I am so sad that my words will cause great pain. I truly do not intend to do that.) I know that this is deep, dark and painful, but I can tell you that if you go through with the abortion, every part of you will regret it. You will feel your body be angry with you. Your heart will have the deepest emptiness and no amount of words will make it okay! Please, I plead with you to listen to me because I am walking a path of great sorrow over abortions that I had no say over!

At this time, I am seeking counseling for the pain of this incredible loss. I struggle with thoughts that I could have ran away or I could have fought back. Often, my abuser would keep me in his darkened web by offering to spare my younger siblings from his abuse. I felt and do feel guilt for not fighting back or doing more. Now, I KNOW that I have no guilt or shame for what he did to me, but still those emotions can weigh heavy at times. I feel I am over emotional about the forced abortions and trafficking. I mean, I am suppose to be a Bible-believing, Spirit-filled Christian! Give it to God and move on, right? Nope, not so fast. My role model of faith is the Lord Jesus. He was in anguish leading up to the Cross! He didn’t skip the emotional mess of pain He was feeling.

Walking this journey of suffering, remembering, and healing brings a plethora of emotions and reactions from my body. I spend hours in the Word of God to renew my broken mind. I do this to retrain my brain to think on Christ life, death and resurrection because this is my foundation when my world quakes. I hurt so deeply that I do not have the words to describe how deep the ache and pain goes. I dream of my baby. I named my treasure Inocensio because he was innocent and so was I.

I plead with each man and woman who reads this to fight for women and their little hidden treasures from God! Abortion is murder and tears apart the heart of the mother and those around her. Fight for what is Right in God’s Eyes. He gives life! Women faced with the decision of life or death, look in the mirror and see the life in your eyes and know that your child has the same life in his or her eyes. I didn’t have a choice in the loss and murder of my treasure, my child. Precious reader, you do! Take a deep breathe, pray to the Lord Jesus for your heart to be softened to His voice. He will confirm what you already know…Your baby is alive and is a gift from God.

If you have had an abortion, I pass no judgement. Abortion is murder, and you must face your choice! You can face it without Christ, and I promise that you will not get far. The “healing” will not last because Christ Jesus is the Great Physician. You can face your choice with Christ, repent, be forgiven and walk in wholeness and freedom. I love you with the love of Christ! I pray for your restoration and redemption. There are resources for post-abortive care.

Finally, I close with hope and the knowledge that the LORD God has redeemed and restored my heart through the finished work of Christ Jesus. I will walk my path of healing, but I can rest in the Love of the Father God because of Jesus Christ the Son. I will have days where my C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation and Body memories seem to overwhelm me, BUT Christ reminds us, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9 (ESV)

If you wish to contact me, please email at treasureofvirtue@gmail.com or visit my Facebook ministry page: http://www.facebook.com/treasureofvirtue.

Blessings to you in Christ Jesus,

Rowena

Surviving Rape/Incest Conception and Other Dungeons of Life

Since first sharing my story, I have realized that my reasons for sharing have grown and yet narrowed. I desire deeply for women and children (preborn and onward) to have a voice because sexual violence leads to more violence. As I have walked on my journey of healing, I have come to understand more and more that the Lord Jesus truly understands and heals the brokenhearted. My conception and the first half of my life broke me into millions of pieces that will not be healed this side of heaven, but in the process, I share my story, shining the LIGHT into darkness and giving voice to the voiceless and spreading Hope to those who have none.

I was conceived in father/daughter rape-incest. My biological mother, who I will call Rebecca, was molested by her father throughout her childhood and was 15 when I was born. She was offered an abortion by a doctor who had asked her if she had been a “bad girl,” to which she responded that she had not, because she really had no understanding of what her father had been doing to her. This doctor completely failed to help her break free from the cycle incest and rape. In fact, Child Protective Services also failed to protect my biological mom, even though they were called by the school authorities, and while at school my mom told them what was happening. Nevertheless, they ultimately sent her home to be abused for several more years. Despite the pressure to abort, once my biological mother knew she was pregnant, she understood that a life was growing inside of her which she could not kill, and so, she refused the abortion and chose to bring me to birth.

When I was born, Rebecca said she loved me like a baby doll, but did not know how to care for me. As a result, her parents, Ruben and Rosa, raised me as their own until I was 10 years old. At around four years of age, Rebecca, who I thought was my older sister, told me that she was my mom. Since I didn’t believe her, I asked Ruben and Rosa if this was true, and they confirmed for me that it was indeed true — they said that what my birth-mom said was correct and that she really was my mother. I remember feeling confused and disoriented among other things. To help myself deal with the confusion, I would call Rosa mom or mamma, and my birth-mom, I would call Becky or mother. I remember feeling weird in public because Rebecca was my sister to the public. Overall, I still saw her as my sister and friend, even though I knew she was my mother. (During this period of time from ages 0 until I was 10 years old, I knew my birth-mom and her siblings as my siblings. I grew to love them as such. Even after I found out the truth, I still loved these people as my siblings, except my birthmom.)

My earliest memory of abuse is as a baby. My father, Ruben, started to physically and sexually abuse me from around 9 months until I was 10 years old. In once instance, my childhood mama Rosa, even caught him and threatened to divorce him if he ever did it again, but I was too scared to tell her what was happening. I knew what he was doing was bad, though I didn’t know the name for it. I knew that he was bothering me and I didn’t like it. He was a big man (350+ lbs) and he was violent, so I was terrified of him. I felt so dirty, defiled and ashamed. There were other men that sexual abused me. These were relatives such as an older brother, uncles and older cousins. Men at the churches we would attend would find ways to touch me. My mind is full of so many memories of the sexual abuse and a great deal of pain in recounting any of them.

Rebecca did her best to protect me. One of my memories of her protecting me was around the age 8 or 9. My father was upset with me about not doing a chore right, so my biological-mom told me to hide under the sink and be real quiet. I did, but felt guilty because I knew what he would do to her. Sure enough, he gave her my beating. I could hear it and see what was happening from a small hole. Other times, she would ask me if Dad was “bothering” me. I know I would tell her both no and yes. She would ask me if I would want to go or stay if she ever left, and I would tell her that I definitely wanted her to go! Finally, on November 16, 1988, she secretly took me out of school with the help of our oldest sister, Rachel. Rebecca and I ran away with family friends to Plainview, TX, and it was about 7 years before I saw my father or my childhood mama again.

During the investigation into my dad for the incest and rape, my biological mom told me the truth – that my father had sexually abused her as well, and that I was a result of that abuse. It didn’t shock me because I had a feeling he had been doing the same things to her, but I definitely felt confused, gross, ashamed, and worthless, and wondered how my biological mother could really love me.

Plainview was supposed to be a new start, but unfortunately, we ended up in an abusive cycle again. Rebecca met my step-father at church, and he was a charmer. He swept my mom off her feet. I don’t remember exactly how I felt about him, but I do know that I wasn’t happy that he was taking my mom away. He started the grooming process with me by taking me on “dates” to get to know me, so that I would be comfortable with him and my bio-mother together (so he said to me). Shortly after my 11th birthday, he talked my mom into letting me spend the night with him and his girls, and she took his youngest son. That night, my future step-father sexually abused me. I tried to tell my mom, but the church we were going to gave her bad advice, and they blamed me. After that, I felt alone and trapped as he sexually abused me and began trafficking me over the next five years.

At age 11, I became pregnant by my step-father, though hadn’t realized at the time that I was actually pregnant because I didn’t understand what was going on with my body, and now that I’ve experienced five miscarriages in my life, I realize that I was pregnant by him, ending sadly in a forced abortion. He had told me that if I ever got pregnant, he would force me to have an abortion.

I was sold to men in the church that had initially blamed me for the sexual abuse. I was sold or traded to men or groups of men. I didn’t know how to be a “normal” preteen or teenager. I walked around thinking that every male wanted sex or something sexual in nature from me and take it if given the opportunity.

Until after my sixteenth birthday, I was trapped in a very destructive relationship with my step-father. He was completely warped and told me strange things such as that he wanted to marry me and wanted me to raise my younger sisters and brother. I prayed for a way out! I thought that I would suffocate from the inside and out. My way out was close, though I didn’t know that at the time.

My family started going to a new church. This church would be the path to freedom that God used to end the abuse. One day, in June of 1994, my biological mother walked in on my step-father raping me. I had turned 16 months earlier. The feeling of doom was so thick, I was smothered by it. I was sure that my bio-mom was going to send me away, but the next day, she went to our pastor and told him what happened. This time, the pastor called the police. Finally, my cage door was opened!

He was arrested and charged, the grand jury indicted him, but then the prosecutor cut a plea bargain to a lessor charge, so he spent 10 years in prison. Before he went to prison, my birth-mom, Rebecca divorced him. Although some would call this justice, I remember feeling at the time very upset that I did not have my say in Court and I wanted my voice to be heard. Finally after all of these years, I have the opportunity to be heard!

I have survived sexual assault and rape by my biological father, uncle, half-brother, step-father and other men. I have also been trafficked to strangers and acquaintances for sex by one of my perpetrators. Physically forced abortion were a normal occurrence in my life. Many other atrocities have happened to me that would fill a book, but that is a future endeavor. As my heart and mind heal, my memories become clear, and this is a painful process. However, healing is beautiful and wholesome.

Healing started to happen as I sought out counseling. At the age of 19, I met my future husband. He was the first man who treated me with respect and dignity. As a survivor, I didn’t know how to receive this man’s love for me. It took quite a bit of work for my heart to begin to trust him. We dated for two years before getting married in October of 1999, and he’s been my biggest supporter.

While my husband was away for training with the United States Navy, when I was 22 years old, I was raped by a stranger in a home invasion while I was sleeping. I did everything “right” – I went to the hospital where we reported it to the police, and I had a rape kit done. I was offered the Morning After pill, but I declined because I knew the risks involved. The perpetrator was never caught. My husband came home within 48 hours of the rape, and we moved to a new location for obvious reasons.

About a month later, I had a positive home pregnancy test. I was scared and alone. My husband was back at Naval Training again. I went to a pregnancy clinic, not knowing the difference between a pro-life pregnancy resource and an abortion-friendly clinic which encourages and refers out for abortions. At this clinic, I was strongly encouraged to have an abortion — particularly because I was pregnant by rape. I was completely shocked and appalled! I told them I did not want an abortion, and I promptly left. I told my husband that I was pregnant, and I asked him if he would raise the child with me. I was so scared that he might say no! He told me that just as I was a miracle, this child is also a miracle, and that he would love the child like his own. In that moment, I felt secure and protected, but at the same time, I felt unworthy of such unconditional love. Within another month, I began to bleed, and I miscarried. I had a accepted the fact that I was going to have a baby, and felt sad realizing that the baby’s life was gone. In the years since, I have grieved the life of this child and gave the baby a name: Delaiah Rose.

I have had five miscarriages and the doctors told me that it was my genetic makeup due to my conception which makes me more susceptible to miscarriages. Gratefully, my husband and I have two healthy children together. My path of healing takes so much hard work, but it is worth it — God has been so gracious to me! I reconciled with my biological father before he died and forgave him. Working with my biological-mom to rebuild a broken and confused relationship is a process and ongoing. I am a Christian and find my Hope in Jesus Christ. I have come to a place of peace about my conception and I can now voice my deep found identity in the One who created me.

I have now shared my story as person who was conceived in incest/rape to educate the public about the my people group, sharing how moms and children affected by sexual assault conception need love and support. I am also a sexual assault and trafficking survivor advocate and speaker with church groups, youth groups, college groups, in the media and testifying before the state Legislature. I desire to speak to the value of life — even the lives of those who, like me, were conceived in incest and/or rape. As I have come to see my life as a precious gift given to me, I want the unborn lives of all to be protected from abortion, and I want every child to be protected from sexual assault.

I am about to celebrate 23 years of marriage with my husband Casey. We have two beautiful children — a son and a daughter. My family and I attend a local Baptist church in Albuquerque, NM. I will graduate in May of ‘23 with my interdisciplinary with focuses in Behavioral science and Christian leadership. I hope to become a professional Christian/Biblical counselor specializing in providing help and care for survivors of sexual assault conception and sex trafficking. I have started an organization called Treasure of Virtue (ToV). ToV was created to bring resources together for women who conceive from sexual assault and the children who were conceived in sexual assault. I know God is calling me to use my story to offer hope and healing to others, and to show His Redemption, faithfulness, grace and goodness in my life! If you would like me to speak at your event or are looking for more information, you can contact me at treasureofvirtue@gmail.com. Also visit, like and share my Facebook page http://www.facebook.com/treasureofvirtue

Surviving Life and Other Battles

Recently, an older version of my story has circulated Facebook land. While I am not a loud pro-life activist, my testimony speaks loudly for the value of life. Every heartbeat is a treasure isn’t just some phrase that I hashtag for my ministry Treasure of Virtue. Every single life is created in the image of God. It doesn’t matter how it was conceived! My story is more than a pro-life banner though. I am a survivor, a thriver, a warrior princess  who has battled wars that most people can’t imagine. It is my faith and trust is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob that gives me the courage. Today, I am sharing two photos with you that convey the some of the reasons why I write and speak and do so loudly. Each one saddens and/or angers my heart. I will explain why in further detail below, but first, I want to expound on why I share so much of who I am.

I began my journey of understanding my identity when I was ten years old. That is when I found out that I was conceived from incest/rape. This blog post isn’t long enough to go into all that I have walked in that particle journey, but I will write more about that in the future. I bring this up now though because being a incest/rape conceived person is something that never leaves my mind. On top of this reality, I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, incest and rape at the hands of my baptist pastor dad (who is my biological father/grandfather), my uncle, my older half-brother and possibly other men all in the first ten years of my life. I am a survivor of rape and sex trafficking at the hands of my step-father. He did other atrocities that I will not write here. This happened from the ages of 10 until I was past 16 years old. I am a survivor of stranger rape as a young adult. I have been pregnant from my rapes two times. I lost both babies. One was most likely by an illegal abortion by one of my rapist and my sweet Delaiah miscarried at 10 weeks along. All of these atrocious and unimaginable actions are apart of me. I share because I know that even through all of this, there is One who suffered with me, felt each heart-wrenching break, walked with me as I carried shame so heavy I couldn’t breathe and has restored me.

None of what I have just shared leaves my mind. There are times that I just cry because I want a “normal” person’s brain that isn’t filled with horror. I don’t live in horror any more, but the movies are there in my mind. I have been in some form of counseling or therapy since I was sixteen. Again, I do have a point to all this information. Surviving this life and its battles gives me  the unique ability to speak up and share so others have hope.

When my biographical story was shared on Facebook this week, some of the responses are what I have come to expect. I just keep speaking and writing louder. I share my life because there are women still being used as chattel for men to buy, sell and trade. I share because women are being raped and told to deal with it. I shout my testimony because male church leaders are getting away with sexual abuse and the survivors are told to forgive and forget. I could write a whole other blog on my whys, but I hope you get the picture. I do have one more important why though. I write because every life conceived is a life created in the image of God. No life should be murdered because he or she was conceived in rape, incest, or sex trafficking!

Comments made below my shared story. Didn’t even read it to see the hope inside. So many misconceptions…

Yes, every deviant behavior is disgusting, BUT NO! Abortion wouldn’t have solved anything! I wouldn’t be here with my family and my mom would have still been in the abuse for another 10 years. Such a lack of understanding and true empathy!

These photos first sadden me. This is because I have so much hope in me. Christ Jesus has renewed me and given back to me so much! While I struggle with C-PTSD and all that being a survivor entails, I am an overcomer in Christ. The eyes of those that commented or posted in these pictures haven’t been opened! Until they have their eyes and hearts opened, this is how they will filter my biography. How I pray that they are opened to Christ!

I also get angered when I see these kinds of responses. How dare they belittle and mock my life and my mom for having me. They mock me for wanting my sweet Delaiah after my rape at 22 years old. Life is beautiful. It is a miracle that no one should ever take for granted, but those who respond to my story in these ways do just that! So I speak louder. I battle the wounds! I use my shield to fend off the arrows that come at me through Christ Jesus.

How can you help? Please ask me questions. Invite me to speak. I have experience in a wide variety of topics that I can shed light into. Share my story. Talk about the tough subjects. Please contact me if you need to talk. My phone number is (434)207-8797. My email is treasureofvirtue@gmail.com

Blessings in Christ

Rowena Slusser

When ‘The He’ Won’t Go Away

I started this blog back in November of 2016. It has been sitting in the draft folder all this time as I worked through the deep emotions that stirred it up. I am not as emotional as I was when I first wrote “When ‘The He’ Won’t Go Away”. I believe with all my heart that this blog still needs to be shared. So often survivors of sexual assault (sexual abuse, incest, rape, sexual exploitation, sex slavery, sex trafficking, sexual harassment, etc) are shamed because we struggle with our triggers. If we claim to be Christians, we are shamed and judged that we are not trusting in Jesus or not forgiving enough because of our struggles. For this reason, I have kept much of the raw emotion in this blog. So without further comment…

Recently, the face of my rapist of six years has been thrust in my face! My younger brother and sisters have decided to have a relationship with him. In doing so, they took individual pictures with him and posted them on Facebook. One sister even had it as her profile picture. My deepest grievance with them is that they didn’t talk to me, warn me or anything. I knew the day would come when they would reach out to this man. I just can’t help but think if they realize the depth of evil he put me through. I am not angry with them, just hurt. This will take time for me to process. I don’t know if I should even bring it up to them or not. Will they even listen or understand why I am hurt, scared, or sick at heart?

While I have forgiven all of my abusers and rapists, the fact is that, what they did to me will have life-long impacts. They stole my very dignity, my childhood, my ability to trust, and my ability to be loved without suspicion. These are just a few of the surface issues. Often the struggle of survivors of domestic violence, and sexual assault get labeled and then overlooked by those around us. We are told to get counseling and get over it. If we are Christians, we are told to forgive and forget. Jesus did! God chooses to remember our sins no more, but we as Christians are commanded to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. We are not commanded to forget. Jesus sure didn’t forget his scares. Actually, he pointed them out to his disciples.

Let me list some of the impacts that will never go away. My father forever changed my family tree. I will never, on this earth have a God-ordained father and mother as my children have. Even though my biological mom is alive and we have a good relationship, she wasn’t able to be a mom to me. My bio father took that from her and me. In my most honest moments, I feel like an orphan. There is a deep whole where the love of a father and mother go that is empty. (Christians, before you start, I know I am loved by the Father.) My father took that from me. My rapist of six years, whose face has blown up my Facebook, ruined any hope of an earthy father’s love with rape and sodomy. I will only ever have half-siblings. This is my reality. Because of what my father did, I fear guns and male strength. This is my reality. Am I healing? YES by the blood of Jesus! I know that I am loved. The emptiness is filled with Christ. The wounds and scars are still there!

My step-father changed my view of intimacy. To be loved, I had to perform sexual acts. When I wouldn’t, I was raped. I felt worthless, dirty and that I must have deserved it because I was conceived from rape. He pitted me against my mother. That I know of, he still blames me. He stole my body over and over for 6 years. He said that he would never let me go. His face appears when I least expect it. Writing about what happened during these six years is still the hardest for me. This is my reality. Am I healing? YES. For each thing I have put, I choose to forgive. I rest in the arms of the Father and trust that He is good.

I have often felt shame for sharing these parts of my journey. People have told me that I should be over it or not so emotional about what these men did to me. I have been asked how come I am still triggered after all these years? Shouldn’t it be easier by now? I have been told that I shouldn’t be a victim. I should JUST trust Jesus and it will all be okay. I am not a victim. I do TRUST Christ! He is my LIFELINE in a world that feels like it could crash around me at times. He is my cornerstone, my ROCK when the ground shakes beneath me.

Please don’t give me christianese when I start talking and shedding light on what one my rapist did to me. Sharing the abuse that my father and step-father did to me brings freedom not only to me but to others as well. Jesus is my Healer, and Redeemer, and He has made me whole.

I want to remind you of this: When I share that I am triggered or that my C-PTSD is screaming at me, it might make you uncomfortable. I don’t need polite platitudes, or inspirational quotes. A simple “I am sorry you are triggered.” or ” I don’t know what to say.” is okay. Just being there to let me process is what I need. Talk to me. Don’t hide what is hard. My life has been hard. As a survivor, I just want to be validated and believed. I want to be listened to and loved. And when “THE HE” won’t go away, I just want to be reassured that I am safe and that I am able to fight for me now. (My husband tells me that I could take HIM anytime.) Be my friend and lead me to the cross where my salvation comes from.

Finally, this all is a reminder that my rapists are guilty. Not me! None of them have “served justice” for the crimes committed against me. One died having never served a day in jail and the other “plead to a lesser charge”, serving only a fraction of what he would have been given. Please understand I am grieved today because of this injustice. I have forgiven. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that they will stand before God, and they will receive eternal justice. My father has died. I do not know if he was a repentant Christ follower or not. I do not know if he is in heaven or hell. My heart’s prayer is that He was covered by Christ’s blood and stands in Heaven. I don’t know. My step-father is alive and looks well. He has not repented for the crimes that he has committed. Because I have forgiven him, I hope that he is saved. I know that he will either suffer for eternity in hell if he rejects Christ, or will receive redemption, if he repents and follows Christ.

Because Jesus said, “IT IS FINISHED!”

Rowena

Heart thoughts of a Redeemed Survivor

I want to share a page from my journal. For the past three weeks, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I faced a deep-rooted fear that was planted when I was around 4 years old. In the process of working through my healing, I had another blow that involved my rapist of 5 to 6 years. I know that the talk of rape and its effects is very uncomfortable for most people, but it is a very real horror with real, long lasting consequences. For the first time in 22 years, I may see a few of my rapist children. Even writing those words sends shivers down my spine and causes my stomach to turn. I share this because it occurred to me that there are other survivors of long-term and short-term rape/sexual assault who might have or will struggle with this very issue. Often, we are told that we are just emotional or taking things to personally. Well, I will tell you that it is very personal. So please read and share:

How one man can cause such deep pain and rifts breaks my heart. It has been 22 years since he got caught in his crime. His crimes against me went on for about 6 years. His crimes grossly affected me, but they also affected my loved ones. Sitting here, I have new realizations of how Christ protected me from a certain future. I am in anguish over the place I am in. My heart cries out words I can’t write because they are to graphic to repeat. I long to be understood but only He really knows. I forgive! I forgive! But the pain is real. The struggle is real! The wounds are real. The story isn’t fiction; it happened over and over, day and night. By His stripes, with His nail-scarred hands, beneath His blood, I am overcoming, but the pain, the choices I face, the choosing to feel! It is real!!! Sorrow, horror, anger, heartache, distress, pain: they are real for a crimes committed against me over and over again. I rest in His peace but must sit here in tears as He continues yet another open heart surgery on His redeemed daughter. No pain-numbing meds for me. I must face this. I must make this choice for my good and my children’s good. He is for me. He is protecting me. I only need His validation. He is with me. Release everyone else, their thoughts and choices and cling to Him for dear life! He is the only one who can know intimately the crimes that caused this heart attack.

~ The Heart Cries of His Redeemed Daughter

Thank you for sharing in my healing. Encourage the survivors in you life.

I Forgive You!

***I wrote this blog a few years ago. My father died in 2011. Even today, I have to remember to walk in forgiveness when the pain of a memory is heavy. I am so thankful to Christ Jesus for His forgiveness and His grace to be able to forgive others. I hope this blesses someone today. -June 5, 2020***

I want to share a letter I found while rummaging through old papers. I wrote this letter when I was 18 years old. It was written to my father.

October 6, 1996
Dear Father,
I am writing you this letter to express to you my thoughts and feelings. First off, I want you to know that the days of denying who you are to me are over. After mom and I moved here, she told me the truth about who you really are. She told me that you are my biological father, not just my daddy. She told me that you forced her to have sex and got her pregnant with me. I was 10 years old. Do you realize the burden I have carried for these last 8 years?
From that time, I have had to deal with the hard facts. When mom married Tomas, I thought that my problem was solved. He could be my dad, and you could be my grandfather. I wanted to see you as less than a person. I hated you for making me a bastard, an odd ball! Everyone else’s dad was normal but not mine. That reality hurt deeply. Because I wanted a “daddy” so much, I took Tomas as my “daddy”. When we left him, I once again was left without a father figure. This time, I couldn’t deny who you were.
Even then, I hated you , though I wouldn’t admit it. I wanted to believe that you were dead! I was angry because not only did you sexually abuse my mama and get her pregnant , but after I was born, you sexually abused me too. Sometimes the memories and realization hit me all over again, when I think of relatives like my half brothers and sisters on your side that should ONLY be my uncles and aunts, or when I think of my cousins and how they are really half nieces and nephew. Your actions brought so much confusion and pain in my life. I still have to deal with those things. Do you?
What I want to tell you is that I have prayed that my Jesus (the Jesus Christ of the Bible) would give me His eyes to see your heart. I haven’t forgotten my past (I don’t think I could if I wanted to), but I can now tell you from the depths of my heart that I FORGIVE YOU! Not because of anything you did or didn’t do, but because Jesus directed my in His word to. My unforgiveness is binding you and me. In Matthew 16:19, Jesus said that whatever I bound on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever I loose on earth will be loose in heaven. His word also says in Matthew 6:14-15, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
In His word, Christ has commanded me to forgive you and Ruben Garza, I have! I release you in Jesus precious name. I want you to know that I am not ashamed to be a Garza, but not because it’s wonderful, but solely since I know that my name is Rowena Abigail, daughter of God Most High!
When I look at you, I know longer see a dirty old pervert. Instead I see a man who doesn’t know God’s love, grace and true forgiveness. you see, if you did, you wouldn’t have to be afraid of being found out anymore. You would come to complete repentance and take whatever consequences befall you.
I am no longer worried or afraid of what people might think or do to me for the sins I have committed because I walk in repentance and the forgiveness that Jesus promises in
1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Dad, I want you to know this incredible freedom. I pray that before you die, you will truly experience true freedom from your sin. Jesus has so much to give you, so please take it!
Ruben Garza, I, Rowena, Daughter of the Most Wonderful Daddy (God the Father) in the world, forgive you for the pain and hurt that your sexual perversion and assault on my mom and me, cause me. Because of Jesus Christ, I can say I love you.

Your daughter,
Rowena Garza

This was the first of several letters I wrote my father. His perversion ran deep, and the scars that it has left on my family are still in many ways fresh. I felt compelled to share this because so many have written me to tell me about the abuse that they have suffered from.

Forgiveness is not a free pass to the offender. In today’s society, you will see movies and inspirational clips about how forgiveness is for you and not for your perpetrator, but really, forgiveness is only because of the power we have in Christ Jesus. Without His grace, we are powerless to forgive. Yes, we can forgive, but can we love our enemy as He told us to.

I have publicly taken a stand to fight for the children conceived in rape or incest. I have taken a stand for Moms from rape or incest. Why is that important here? Because I have walked through forgiveness with my dad (my bio-father), I am not bound by resentment or even regret. I went through a period where I regretted that I was born. NO more.

Lets walk in forgiveness and the love of Christ. Proclaim His words as we fight for EVERY life.

-Rowena