Abortion-It Was Not My Choice, But Where is My Baby?

I have hesitated speaking out about my abortion experience because I didn’t choose it. I was being raped by one of the father-figures in my life, and he was pimping me out to other men at age eleven. He told me that I would have no babies. I really didn’t understand what he meant until he took me to a place and ripped my baby out of my body. He did this often for 5 years.

During my eleventh year, I thought I was having a bad period, but it was the effects of the tools he used to make my baby die. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but he suspected. I never went to a clinic. He took care of the “problem” himself. I was eleven years old and really had no concept of what abortion was. When I became an adult and miscarried my first child with my now-husband, I realized that what I saw at age eleven was an 8 week old baby come out of me. I thought I miscarried because I had blocked out parts of the memories of the abortions performed on me. For years, I always assumed that I had gotten pregnant and miscarried that baby.

Then about nine months ago, I started to remember more clearly things that happened. I had pieces of the memories, but part of trauma is that the brain can block what is too painful to remember. One night I was sleeping and wake up screaming “There is no baby! There is no baby!”. Pain gripped my body, especially where my womb use to be. All the fussy images came together and I saw what I couldn’t handle seeing for so long. My rapist/pimp was his own god and decided that my baby and to go. Once I was able to calm down and process what I was reliving, I realized that the baby I lost at age eleven was indeed an abortion and not a miscarriage. Again, this man that should have been protecting me, routinely scraped me to kill any life growing in my body. I don’t know why I don’t remember my other babies, but I am sure that I will see a few in heaven.

I want to explain that abortion is a convenience to cover the crimes of incest, rape and trafficking. My perpetrator used his own means to rip growing life from my body. I wonder how many men got away with raping me while my pimp passed me out to church member and other men. How many times did his actions of performing abortions hide the children that would have possibly saved me. Imagine if there had been a clinic close by!

I was victimized over and over with the rape and trafficking, but I was also RAPED by the ABORTIONS. Our bodies were never intended to have our wombs emptied by outside forces coming in. (Ladies reading this post, I am so sad that my words will cause great pain. I truly do not intend to do that.) I know that this is deep, dark and painful, but I can tell you that if you go through with the abortion, every part of you will regret it. You will feel your body be angry with you. Your heart will have the deepest emptiness and no amount of words will make it okay! Please, I plead with you to listen to me because I am walking a path of great sorrow over abortions that I had no say over!

At this time, I am seeking counseling for the pain of this incredible loss. I struggle with thoughts that I could have ran away or I could have fought back. Often, my abuser would keep me in his darkened web by offering to spare my younger siblings from his abuse. I felt and do feel guilt for not fighting back or doing more. Now, I KNOW that I have no guilt or shame for what he did to me, but still those emotions can weigh heavy at times. I feel I am over emotional about the forced abortions and trafficking. I mean, I am suppose to be a Bible-believing, Spirit-filled Christian! Give it to God and move on, right? Nope, not so fast. My role model of faith is the Lord Jesus. He was in anguish leading up to the Cross! He didn’t skip the emotional mess of pain He was feeling.

Walking this journey of suffering, remembering, and healing brings a plethora of emotions and reactions from my body. I spend hours in the Word of God to renew my broken mind. I do this to retrain my brain to think on Christ life, death and resurrection because this is my foundation when my world quakes. I hurt so deeply that I do not have the words to describe how deep the ache and pain goes. I dream of my baby. I named my treasure Inocensio because he was innocent and so was I.

I plead with each man and woman who reads this to fight for women and their little hidden treasures from God! Abortion is murder and tears apart the heart of the mother and those around her. Fight for what is Right in God’s Eyes. He gives life! Women faced with the decision of life or death, look in the mirror and see the life in your eyes and know that your child has the same life in his or her eyes. I didn’t have a choice in the loss and murder of my treasure, my child. Precious reader, you do! Take a deep breathe, pray to the Lord Jesus for your heart to be softened to His voice. He will confirm what you already know…Your baby is alive and is a gift from God.

If you have had an abortion, I pass no judgement. Abortion is murder, and you must face your choice! You can face it without Christ, and I promise that you will not get far. The “healing” will not last because Christ Jesus is the Great Physician. You can face your choice with Christ, repent, be forgiven and walk in wholeness and freedom. I love you with the love of Christ! I pray for your restoration and redemption. There are resources for post-abortive care.

Finally, I close with hope and the knowledge that the LORD God has redeemed and restored my heart through the finished work of Christ Jesus. I will walk my path of healing, but I can rest in the Love of the Father God because of Jesus Christ the Son. I will have days where my C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation and Body memories seem to overwhelm me, BUT Christ reminds us, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9 (ESV)

If you wish to contact me, please email at treasureofvirtue@gmail.com or visit my Facebook ministry page: http://www.facebook.com/treasureofvirtue.

Blessings to you in Christ Jesus,

Rowena

Surviving Life and Other Battles

Recently, an older version of my story has circulated Facebook land. While I am not a loud pro-life activist, my testimony speaks loudly for the value of life. Every heartbeat is a treasure isn’t just some phrase that I hashtag for my ministry Treasure of Virtue. Every single life is created in the image of God. It doesn’t matter how it was conceived! My story is more than a pro-life banner though. I am a survivor, a thriver, a warrior princess  who has battled wars that most people can’t imagine. It is my faith and trust is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob that gives me the courage. Today, I am sharing two photos with you that convey the some of the reasons why I write and speak and do so loudly. Each one saddens and/or angers my heart. I will explain why in further detail below, but first, I want to expound on why I share so much of who I am.

I began my journey of understanding my identity when I was ten years old. That is when I found out that I was conceived from incest/rape. This blog post isn’t long enough to go into all that I have walked in that particle journey, but I will write more about that in the future. I bring this up now though because being a incest/rape conceived person is something that never leaves my mind. On top of this reality, I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, incest and rape at the hands of my baptist pastor dad (who is my biological father/grandfather), my uncle, my older half-brother and possibly other men all in the first ten years of my life. I am a survivor of rape and sex trafficking at the hands of my step-father. He did other atrocities that I will not write here. This happened from the ages of 10 until I was past 16 years old. I am a survivor of stranger rape as a young adult. I have been pregnant from my rapes two times. I lost both babies. One was most likely by an illegal abortion by one of my rapist and my sweet Delaiah miscarried at 10 weeks along. All of these atrocious and unimaginable actions are apart of me. I share because I know that even through all of this, there is One who suffered with me, felt each heart-wrenching break, walked with me as I carried shame so heavy I couldn’t breathe and has restored me.

None of what I have just shared leaves my mind. There are times that I just cry because I want a “normal” person’s brain that isn’t filled with horror. I don’t live in horror any more, but the movies are there in my mind. I have been in some form of counseling or therapy since I was sixteen. Again, I do have a point to all this information. Surviving this life and its battles gives me  the unique ability to speak up and share so others have hope.

When my biographical story was shared on Facebook this week, some of the responses are what I have come to expect. I just keep speaking and writing louder. I share my life because there are women still being used as chattel for men to buy, sell and trade. I share because women are being raped and told to deal with it. I shout my testimony because male church leaders are getting away with sexual abuse and the survivors are told to forgive and forget. I could write a whole other blog on my whys, but I hope you get the picture. I do have one more important why though. I write because every life conceived is a life created in the image of God. No life should be murdered because he or she was conceived in rape, incest, or sex trafficking!

Comments made below my shared story. Didn’t even read it to see the hope inside. So many misconceptions…

Yes, every deviant behavior is disgusting, BUT NO! Abortion wouldn’t have solved anything! I wouldn’t be here with my family and my mom would have still been in the abuse for another 10 years. Such a lack of understanding and true empathy!

These photos first sadden me. This is because I have so much hope in me. Christ Jesus has renewed me and given back to me so much! While I struggle with C-PTSD and all that being a survivor entails, I am an overcomer in Christ. The eyes of those that commented or posted in these pictures haven’t been opened! Until they have their eyes and hearts opened, this is how they will filter my biography. How I pray that they are opened to Christ!

I also get angered when I see these kinds of responses. How dare they belittle and mock my life and my mom for having me. They mock me for wanting my sweet Delaiah after my rape at 22 years old. Life is beautiful. It is a miracle that no one should ever take for granted, but those who respond to my story in these ways do just that! So I speak louder. I battle the wounds! I use my shield to fend off the arrows that come at me through Christ Jesus.

How can you help? Please ask me questions. Invite me to speak. I have experience in a wide variety of topics that I can shed light into. Share my story. Talk about the tough subjects. Please contact me if you need to talk. My phone number is (434)207-8797. My email is treasureofvirtue@gmail.com

Blessings in Christ

Rowena Slusser

Every Heartbeat is a Treasure

I have already shared this on Facebook as a note, but I wanted it on my blog as well. It is important that the message that every life, no matter how it was conceived be fought for and valued. To all my readership, please like and share this on Facebook and Twitter. Thank you.

Have you every rested your head on your hand and heard your pulse? It is amazing to me to hear my pulse. I was reminded just how precious each heartbeat is. Take a moment, and join me as I explain. Earlier this week, I received a very hateful email in response to my story that has been featured on LifeSiteNew.com. The writer was venomous with her words. I have been encouraged to write a response to this email. Following some time of prayer and mediating on what the Lord wanted me to do, I have decided that for now, I want to address one sentence in the email.

The writer told me the following, “I would of aborted you instantly and if I was you, I would of prayed to have been aborted.” Let me tell you, I am a strong Christian. I know that I am loved and that Christ loved me so much He died for me, but reading those words hurt. More than I can put into words. To be told that she would have ABORTED me is telling me that she would have MURDERED me. To tell me that if she were me, she would have PRAYED to be ABORTED is to tell me that I should have PRAYED to be MURDERED! I am being told that my life is of no value even to myself! I had to remind myself that this writer must have much pain to spew such hate and that Satan must be really unhappy with what God is doing in my life to send his fiery darts at me. I had to remind myself that in Ephesians 2:10, I am told, ‘For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.’ (Read the entire chapter of Ephesians 2. It is so encouraging.)

I initially just tossed the email into the trash, but thought better of it. I shared the entire email with my closest family and friends to pray for me and with me. These type of emails are an attack. It opens several different windows into the hearts of those who call themselves “pro-choice” or ‘pro-abortion”. For this woman, I believe there was a wound, either for her or for someone she knew. Often when we are wounded, we speak from that pain. When we encounter this type of reaction, we must remember James 1:19-21-”Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” (Bold emphasis mine) Before we respond, we must seek what the Holy Spirit wants us to see and say.

My initial response was to throw away the attack. Harden my heart so that I would not get hurt by it. This would give the enemy victory. It would silence me. Instead, I will be quick to hear. I will hear the cry of the heart of a broken woman. Broken by life. So broken in fact, that she would prefer death of a life than to give life. I will hear the scream for love. Love? Yes, love! She may not realize it, but she desperately needs love, especially the love of ONE who can make her whole. We must show love and compassion to those who attack us. Jesus gave a beautiful example of this love and compassion on the cross in Luke 23:34a, “And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but opens the door for repentance. As we are quick to hear, we leave room for a change of heart.

Next, we are instructed to be slow to speak. What does this mean in the context of the line from the email that I referenced above? When I read the words that she would have murdered me through abortion, and that she thinks that I should have wanted to be murdered through abortion, I want to argue with her about the insanity of her thoughts. I mean, any sane person wouldn’t say or write those words to another person! Often, when presented with untruth or hurtful comments, we feel the need to defend ourselves or our beliefs. However, if we take a moment to stop and pray, the Holy Spirit will give us the right words to say or not say. This woman has heard talking points. I will most likely not respond directly to her. I will pray for her. I will not right a hateful post about a hateful woman. Instead, I will enlighten my readership on how to glorify Christ in fighting the good fight in standing up for those lives affected by sexual assault conception.

After prayer and a time to cool down, I will speak loudly to proclaim God’s word over the lie that my life should have been murdered. We are told in Psalm 139:13-16, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” In Ephesians 1:4-5, we are told, that if we are believers in Christ, the following is the truth, “even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will.”

Out of the three commands in James 1:19, slow to anger is the last last listed, but I think that it is the hardest to overcome. Is it wrong to get angry? No, I do not believe it is. The Bible tells us to be angry and not sin and to not give opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27) The command in James 1:19 is to be slow to anger. Why do you think that is? I think it is because often when we are angry, we cannot do what James 1:20-21 tells us, “for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” Ungodly anger leads to filth and wickedness. That is what led to the vile words within the email that was sent to me. For this reason, I must not respond with anger.

Do not misunderstand me. I do feel anger! How dare someone tell me that I should have been murdered! However, being slow to anger, I respond with gentleness and self-control, allowing the Holy Spirit to temper my thoughts and words. Through these actions, I hope to allow the Lord to work on my behalf. Through this process, I am able to express my thoughts and feelings on how this email has affected me. I can then explain how I am able to handle it.

If I had just trashed the email, I would have missed out on an opportunity to write about this experience. Every single circumstance is an open door to share what Christ is doing in my life. At the start of this blog, it was to be a few sentences long for a Facebook page post. As you can see, God had other ideas. I have been working long and hard behind the scenes this last year with Treasure of Virtue. Not much has happened on the Facebook page or in organization as a whole. You may be asking why I am bring this up in a blog about an vile email. The point is that earlier this year, I announced that I came up with a slogan for Treasure of Virtue: Every Heartbeat is a Treasure. By this woman attacking my very life, she highlighted the very reason that Treasure of Virtue exist.

As I continue to move forward, I know that hate mail will come reminding me that there are those who are hurt and angry. Those who believe that abortion in the case of sexual assault pregnancies will spew venomous world like those quoted above, but as long as I remember James 1:19-21, I will be able to speak the truth with confidence and love. I will be able to hear my heartbeat and know that Every Heartbeat is a Treasure.