My Rapist Father is My Pimp?

Does this title shock you? Are you rattled that someone would be bold enough to write such a thing?

Unfortunately, waking up to your rapist father also raping and pimping you out is a very real horror for untold children and young girls in our country. This was my reality.

I am a person conceived in incest/rape and a woman who has survived sexual assault and sex-trafficking at the hands of my biological father, step-father and other men for 16 years and several stand-alone rapes in my adult years. From all the years of sexual assaults and trafficking, I know of numerous pregnancies as a result. Sadly, I lost my babies conceived from sex trafficking through physically forced abortion.  The child conceived from the stranger rape was lost through miscarriage. I have spent the last four and a half years of my life researching in detail the plight of moms who get pregnant from sexual assault and the people (from the preborn to those alive today) who were conceived from sexual assault. Children conceived from sex-slavery/trafficking fall into this category.

While I experienced sex-slavery and trafficking, it didn’t hit me that the women trapped in this life would full under sexual assault conception until I began to dig deeper into my own story. As I realized that had I not been rescued by my church pastor in my sixteenth year of life, my stepfather would have continued to trafficked me. He had introduced me to a group of men and women who met at an indescriptive house to trade me and use me how they wished. There were also places around town that were used as meeting places. I was told just how beautiful and desirable I was.  Men would look on me as though they owned my body. I didn’t have a choice to say NO! I was told that I brought it on myself.

As I realized that I had not miscarried that first child that I saw leave me or any of there other children during those years, I remembered what really happened! It was then that the entire world of prostitution and sex trafficking changed for me.

While I have actually been pimped out to other men by my rapists and abusers, I also know what it is like to have my biological rapist father take what he wants from me. Despair and hopelessness filled my soul because for a time, it seemed that no matter where I turned, no one saw me! No one saw the blood running from my wounds. Family didn’t see it. “Friends” didn’t see it. There was no way out!

The GOOD CHRISTIANS looked the other way and said that I asked for it!

Do you realize how many young women in the trafficking industry are raped by the fathers that raped and impregnated their mothers?

They are being raped and pimped out by their biological fathers! Look at the sweet face of the baby girl in the picture above. She was already violated at that age by her rapist father! LET THAT SINK IN! Who will speak for her?

I am the little babe in the picture above. My innocence taken at nine months by my biological father who raped his teen daughter. He took me and abused and raped me until I was ten years old. I will be the voice that no one was for me and the voice of so many like me.

 Each of our cities and towns cry with the voices of the children and young ladies being raised by their rapist fathers who are now repeating the same horrid crimes and selling them for profit. Are your eyes and ears open? Can you see the trail of blood and tears? These ladies shop with us in the convenience stores, pass us with their heads down, yet are praying that we see their cries for help. So often we look right passed them.

I write this blog because I know that Christ Jesus loves each of these women! His heart aches for them. It is angered at the horrors that they live in each moment that they breathe. His tears fall for them when we look away. WILL YOU CONTINUE TO LOOK AWAY? WILL YOU REMAIN SILENT? We are called to speak up for those that do not have a voice! WILL YOU BE THAT VOICE? I, ROWENA ABIGAIL SLUSSER, WILL BE A VOICE!  

This issue can seem so overwhelming and heartbreaking. It can seem that there is no way to overcome such evil, but God’s word tells us that Christ in us is Greater that the evil one in the world! We fight in the Power of Christ Jesus. So, pick up your Sword and take your stand.

For more information on my organization, please visit http://www.facebook.com/treasureofvirtue

Surviving Life and Other Battles

Recently, an older version of my story has circulated Facebook land. While I am not a loud pro-life activist, my testimony speaks loudly for the value of life. Every heartbeat is a treasure isn’t just some phrase that I hashtag for my ministry Treasure of Virtue. Every single life is created in the image of God. It doesn’t matter how it was conceived! My story is more than a pro-life banner though. I am a survivor, a thriver, a warrior princess  who has battled wars that most people can’t imagine. It is my faith and trust is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob that gives me the courage. Today, I am sharing two photos with you that convey the some of the reasons why I write and speak and do so loudly. Each one saddens and/or angers my heart. I will explain why in further detail below, but first, I want to expound on why I share so much of who I am.

I began my journey of understanding my identity when I was ten years old. That is when I found out that I was conceived from incest/rape. This blog post isn’t long enough to go into all that I have walked in that particle journey, but I will write more about that in the future. I bring this up now though because being a incest/rape conceived person is something that never leaves my mind. On top of this reality, I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, incest and rape at the hands of my baptist pastor dad (who is my biological father/grandfather), my uncle, my older half-brother and possibly other men all in the first ten years of my life. I am a survivor of rape and sex trafficking at the hands of my step-father. He did other atrocities that I will not write here. This happened from the ages of 10 until I was past 16 years old. I am a survivor of stranger rape as a young adult. I have been pregnant from my rapes two times. I lost both babies. One was most likely by an illegal abortion by one of my rapist and my sweet Delaiah miscarried at 10 weeks along. All of these atrocious and unimaginable actions are apart of me. I share because I know that even through all of this, there is One who suffered with me, felt each heart-wrenching break, walked with me as I carried shame so heavy I couldn’t breathe and has restored me.

None of what I have just shared leaves my mind. There are times that I just cry because I want a “normal” person’s brain that isn’t filled with horror. I don’t live in horror any more, but the movies are there in my mind. I have been in some form of counseling or therapy since I was sixteen. Again, I do have a point to all this information. Surviving this life and its battles gives me  the unique ability to speak up and share so others have hope.

When my biographical story was shared on Facebook this week, some of the responses are what I have come to expect. I just keep speaking and writing louder. I share my life because there are women still being used as chattel for men to buy, sell and trade. I share because women are being raped and told to deal with it. I shout my testimony because male church leaders are getting away with sexual abuse and the survivors are told to forgive and forget. I could write a whole other blog on my whys, but I hope you get the picture. I do have one more important why though. I write because every life conceived is a life created in the image of God. No life should be murdered because he or she was conceived in rape, incest, or sex trafficking!

Comments made below my shared story. Didn’t even read it to see the hope inside. So many misconceptions…

Yes, every deviant behavior is disgusting, BUT NO! Abortion wouldn’t have solved anything! I wouldn’t be here with my family and my mom would have still been in the abuse for another 10 years. Such a lack of understanding and true empathy!

These photos first sadden me. This is because I have so much hope in me. Christ Jesus has renewed me and given back to me so much! While I struggle with C-PTSD and all that being a survivor entails, I am an overcomer in Christ. The eyes of those that commented or posted in these pictures haven’t been opened! Until they have their eyes and hearts opened, this is how they will filter my biography. How I pray that they are opened to Christ!

I also get angered when I see these kinds of responses. How dare they belittle and mock my life and my mom for having me. They mock me for wanting my sweet Delaiah after my rape at 22 years old. Life is beautiful. It is a miracle that no one should ever take for granted, but those who respond to my story in these ways do just that! So I speak louder. I battle the wounds! I use my shield to fend off the arrows that come at me through Christ Jesus.

How can you help? Please ask me questions. Invite me to speak. I have experience in a wide variety of topics that I can shed light into. Share my story. Talk about the tough subjects. Please contact me if you need to talk. My phone number is (434)207-8797. My email is treasureofvirtue@gmail.com

Blessings in Christ

Rowena Slusser

Papa In You Alone

Silent Horrors fill the air,
How could he steal his daughter’s soul?
A Collision of seeds and her young womb screams,
“Who will this life be?”
“A Shame? A demon?
A daily reminder of these horrors to repeat?”
Month by month, change by change,
Her father’s child to come from her.

A Little baby crying , no real parents to love her.
Shame is her mother, Disgrace is her father.
Sent to a home named torment, full of lies, revulsion and insanity;
Her terror intensified as she came to understand that her body wasn’t hers.
In dismay and loathing, she would think, why should anyone care to love her?
After all, she was Just a product of violence, right?!
Shame is her mother and Disgrace is her father;
“Let them them have Me!!! Let them devour Me!!” She thought in self disgust.

But wait! A voice louder than thunder spoke. Rushing waters poured like a mighty wave.
“My daughter!” She heard, as her heart was soothed. and He gave her a name.
This moment happened before the violence,
Before the collision of seeds. Her eyes opened to see the unseen story. The Beauty.
How? You may wonder. You may even exclaim!
His Book gives the answers you seek.
Though no one thought her life had meaning or value,
He had the days of her life numbered before even one had ever happened.
He shaped and molded her body together, each intimate detail;
He hand-selected the color of paint for her eyes and hair, brushing each stroke to perfection.

Though He knew her adversity and pain that would scar her,
He had already redeemed her by His Son’s blood.
Her Kinsmen Redeemer never left her side,
As she trained and was equipped into the warrior-princess He called her to be.

Now she stands before you!

And I proudly praise the King of Kings!
Although my life was meant of be a curse of violence by the world and many around me,
The Lord Jesus is mighty to save!
This sinner, shameful and disgraced by my own sin and the many sins committed against me, has experienced a great exchange!
This Exchange is death for Life,
Given by Christ Jesus, through His finished work on the Cross!
Now My Father is the Holy and Anointed One, God the Father!
No longer a Disgrace or Shamed but His Daughter,
AND ONLY BY YOU ALONE! I LOVE YOU PAPA, MY FATHER!

 

I want to give a few quick references to the book mentioned above. Psalm 139:13-16, Ephesians 1:4-5, Ephesians 2:10, Romans 8:14-17. Please Look up these verses in the Bible. If you have questions, do not hesitate to ask me questions. I would love to share my faith in Christ with you. If you are a Christ-follower, struggling with your identity and need encouragement, please reach out. I love you all with His love for you! Blessing to you.

When ‘The He’ Won’t Go Away

I started this blog back in November of 2016. It has been sitting in the draft folder all this time as I worked through the deep emotions that stirred it up. I am not as emotional as I was when I first wrote “When ‘The He’ Won’t Go Away”. I believe with all my heart that this blog still needs to be shared. So often survivors of sexual assault (sexual abuse, incest, rape, sexual exploitation, sex slavery, sex trafficking, sexual harassment, etc) are shamed because we struggle with our triggers. If we claim to be Christians, we are shamed and judged that we are not trusting in Jesus or not forgiving enough because of our struggles. For this reason, I have kept much of the raw emotion in this blog. So without further comment…

Recently, the face of my rapist of six years has been thrust in my face! My younger brother and sisters have decided to have a relationship with him. In doing so, they took individual pictures with him and posted them on Facebook. One sister even had it as her profile picture. My deepest grievance with them is that they didn’t talk to me, warn me or anything. I knew the day would come when they would reach out to this man. I just can’t help but think if they realize the depth of evil he put me through. I am not angry with them, just hurt. This will take time for me to process. I don’t know if I should even bring it up to them or not. Will they even listen or understand why I am hurt, scared, or sick at heart?

While I have forgiven all of my abusers and rapists, the fact is that, what they did to me will have life-long impacts. They stole my very dignity, my childhood, my ability to trust, and my ability to be loved without suspicion. These are just a few of the surface issues. Often the struggle of survivors of domestic violence, and sexual assault get labeled and then overlooked by those around us. We are told to get counseling and get over it. If we are Christians, we are told to forgive and forget. Jesus did! God chooses to remember our sins no more, but we as Christians are commanded to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. We are not commanded to forget. Jesus sure didn’t forget his scares. Actually, he pointed them out to his disciples.

Let me list some of the impacts that will never go away. My father forever changed my family tree. I will never, on this earth have a God-ordained father and mother as my children have. Even though my biological mom is alive and we have a good relationship, she wasn’t able to be a mom to me. My bio father took that from her and me. In my most honest moments, I feel like an orphan. There is a deep whole where the love of a father and mother go that is empty. (Christians, before you start, I know I am loved by the Father.) My father took that from me. My rapist of six years, whose face has blown up my Facebook, ruined any hope of an earthy father’s love with rape and sodomy. I will only ever have half-siblings. This is my reality. Because of what my father did, I fear guns and male strength. This is my reality. Am I healing? YES by the blood of Jesus! I know that I am loved. The emptiness is filled with Christ. The wounds and scars are still there!

My step-father changed my view of intimacy. To be loved, I had to perform sexual acts. When I wouldn’t, I was raped. I felt worthless, dirty and that I must have deserved it because I was conceived from rape. He pitted me against my mother. That I know of, he still blames me. He stole my body over and over for 6 years. He said that he would never let me go. His face appears when I least expect it. Writing about what happened during these six years is still the hardest for me. This is my reality. Am I healing? YES. For each thing I have put, I choose to forgive. I rest in the arms of the Father and trust that He is good.

I have often felt shame for sharing these parts of my journey. People have told me that I should be over it or not so emotional about what these men did to me. I have been asked how come I am still triggered after all these years? Shouldn’t it be easier by now? I have been told that I shouldn’t be a victim. I should JUST trust Jesus and it will all be okay. I am not a victim. I do TRUST Christ! He is my LIFELINE in a world that feels like it could crash around me at times. He is my cornerstone, my ROCK when the ground shakes beneath me.

Please don’t give me christianese when I start talking and shedding light on what one my rapist did to me. Sharing the abuse that my father and step-father did to me brings freedom not only to me but to others as well. Jesus is my Healer, and Redeemer, and He has made me whole.

I want to remind you of this: When I share that I am triggered or that my C-PTSD is screaming at me, it might make you uncomfortable. I don’t need polite platitudes, or inspirational quotes. A simple “I am sorry you are triggered.” or ” I don’t know what to say.” is okay. Just being there to let me process is what I need. Talk to me. Don’t hide what is hard. My life has been hard. As a survivor, I just want to be validated and believed. I want to be listened to and loved. And when “THE HE” won’t go away, I just want to be reassured that I am safe and that I am able to fight for me now. (My husband tells me that I could take HIM anytime.) Be my friend and lead me to the cross where my salvation comes from.

Finally, this all is a reminder that my rapists are guilty. Not me! None of them have “served justice” for the crimes committed against me. One died having never served a day in jail and the other “plead to a lesser charge”, serving only a fraction of what he would have been given. Please understand I am grieved today because of this injustice. I have forgiven. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that they will stand before God, and they will receive eternal justice. My father has died. I do not know if he was a repentant Christ follower or not. I do not know if he is in heaven or hell. My heart’s prayer is that He was covered by Christ’s blood and stands in Heaven. I don’t know. My step-father is alive and looks well. He has not repented for the crimes that he has committed. Because I have forgiven him, I hope that he is saved. I know that he will either suffer for eternity in hell if he rejects Christ, or will receive redemption, if he repents and follows Christ.

Because Jesus said, “IT IS FINISHED!”

Rowena