Abortion-It Was Not My Choice, But Where is My Baby?

I have hesitated speaking out about my abortion experience because I didn’t choose it. I was being raped by one of the father-figures in my life, and he was pimping me out to other men at age eleven. He told me that I would have no babies. I really didn’t understand what he meant until he took me to a place and ripped my baby out of my body. He did this often for 5 years.

During my eleventh year, I thought I was having a bad period, but it was the effects of the tools he used to make my baby die. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but he suspected. I never went to a clinic. He took care of the “problem” himself. I was eleven years old and really had no concept of what abortion was. When I became an adult and miscarried my first child with my now-husband, I realized that what I saw at age eleven was an 8 week old baby come out of me. I thought I miscarried because I had blocked out parts of the memories of the abortions performed on me. For years, I always assumed that I had gotten pregnant and miscarried that baby.

Then about nine months ago, I started to remember more clearly things that happened. I had pieces of the memories, but part of trauma is that the brain can block what is too painful to remember. One night I was sleeping and wake up screaming “There is no baby! There is no baby!”. Pain gripped my body, especially where my womb use to be. All the fussy images came together and I saw what I couldn’t handle seeing for so long. My rapist/pimp was his own god and decided that my baby and to go. Once I was able to calm down and process what I was reliving, I realized that the baby I lost at age eleven was indeed an abortion and not a miscarriage. Again, this man that should have been protecting me, routinely scraped me to kill any life growing in my body. I don’t know why I don’t remember my other babies, but I am sure that I will see a few in heaven.

I want to explain that abortion is a convenience to cover the crimes of incest, rape and trafficking. My perpetrator used his own means to rip growing life from my body. I wonder how many men got away with raping me while my pimp passed me out to church member and other men. How many times did his actions of performing abortions hide the children that would have possibly saved me. Imagine if there had been a clinic close by!

I was victimized over and over with the rape and trafficking, but I was also RAPED by the ABORTIONS. Our bodies were never intended to have our wombs emptied by outside forces coming in. (Ladies reading this post, I am so sad that my words will cause great pain. I truly do not intend to do that.) I know that this is deep, dark and painful, but I can tell you that if you go through with the abortion, every part of you will regret it. You will feel your body be angry with you. Your heart will have the deepest emptiness and no amount of words will make it okay! Please, I plead with you to listen to me because I am walking a path of great sorrow over abortions that I had no say over!

At this time, I am seeking counseling for the pain of this incredible loss. I struggle with thoughts that I could have ran away or I could have fought back. Often, my abuser would keep me in his darkened web by offering to spare my younger siblings from his abuse. I felt and do feel guilt for not fighting back or doing more. Now, I KNOW that I have no guilt or shame for what he did to me, but still those emotions can weigh heavy at times. I feel I am over emotional about the forced abortions and trafficking. I mean, I am suppose to be a Bible-believing, Spirit-filled Christian! Give it to God and move on, right? Nope, not so fast. My role model of faith is the Lord Jesus. He was in anguish leading up to the Cross! He didn’t skip the emotional mess of pain He was feeling.

Walking this journey of suffering, remembering, and healing brings a plethora of emotions and reactions from my body. I spend hours in the Word of God to renew my broken mind. I do this to retrain my brain to think on Christ life, death and resurrection because this is my foundation when my world quakes. I hurt so deeply that I do not have the words to describe how deep the ache and pain goes. I dream of my baby. I named my treasure Inocensio because he was innocent and so was I.

I plead with each man and woman who reads this to fight for women and their little hidden treasures from God! Abortion is murder and tears apart the heart of the mother and those around her. Fight for what is Right in God’s Eyes. He gives life! Women faced with the decision of life or death, look in the mirror and see the life in your eyes and know that your child has the same life in his or her eyes. I didn’t have a choice in the loss and murder of my treasure, my child. Precious reader, you do! Take a deep breathe, pray to the Lord Jesus for your heart to be softened to His voice. He will confirm what you already know…Your baby is alive and is a gift from God.

If you have had an abortion, I pass no judgement. Abortion is murder, and you must face your choice! You can face it without Christ, and I promise that you will not get far. The “healing” will not last because Christ Jesus is the Great Physician. You can face your choice with Christ, repent, be forgiven and walk in wholeness and freedom. I love you with the love of Christ! I pray for your restoration and redemption. There are resources for post-abortive care.

Finally, I close with hope and the knowledge that the LORD God has redeemed and restored my heart through the finished work of Christ Jesus. I will walk my path of healing, but I can rest in the Love of the Father God because of Jesus Christ the Son. I will have days where my C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation and Body memories seem to overwhelm me, BUT Christ reminds us, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9 (ESV)

If you wish to contact me, please email at treasureofvirtue@gmail.com or visit my Facebook ministry page: http://www.facebook.com/treasureofvirtue.

Blessings to you in Christ Jesus,

Rowena

Papa In You Alone

Silent Horrors fill the air,
How could he steal his daughter’s soul?
A Collision of seeds and her young womb screams,
“Who will this life be?”
“A Shame? A demon?
A daily reminder of these horrors to repeat?”
Month by month, change by change,
Her father’s child to come from her.

A Little baby crying , no real parents to love her.
Shame is her mother, Disgrace is her father.
Sent to a home named torment, full of lies, revulsion and insanity;
Her terror intensified as she came to understand that her body wasn’t hers.
In dismay and loathing, she would think, why should anyone care to love her?
After all, she was Just a product of violence, right?!
Shame is her mother and Disgrace is her father;
“Let them them have Me!!! Let them devour Me!!” She thought in self disgust.

But wait! A voice louder than thunder spoke. Rushing waters poured like a mighty wave.
“My daughter!” She heard, as her heart was soothed. and He gave her a name.
This moment happened before the violence,
Before the collision of seeds. Her eyes opened to see the unseen story. The Beauty.
How? You may wonder. You may even exclaim!
His Book gives the answers you seek.
Though no one thought her life had meaning or value,
He had the days of her life numbered before even one had ever happened.
He shaped and molded her body together, each intimate detail;
He hand-selected the color of paint for her eyes and hair, brushing each stroke to perfection.

Though He knew her adversity and pain that would scar her,
He had already redeemed her by His Son’s blood.
Her Kinsmen Redeemer never left her side,
As she trained and was equipped into the warrior-princess He called her to be.

Now she stands before you!

And I proudly praise the King of Kings!
Although my life was meant of be a curse of violence by the world and many around me,
The Lord Jesus is mighty to save!
This sinner, shameful and disgraced by my own sin and the many sins committed against me, has experienced a great exchange!
This Exchange is death for Life,
Given by Christ Jesus, through His finished work on the Cross!
Now My Father is the Holy and Anointed One, God the Father!
No longer a Disgrace or Shamed but His Daughter,
AND ONLY BY YOU ALONE! I LOVE YOU PAPA, MY FATHER!

 

I want to give a few quick references to the book mentioned above. Psalm 139:13-16, Ephesians 1:4-5, Ephesians 2:10, Romans 8:14-17. Please Look up these verses in the Bible. If you have questions, do not hesitate to ask me questions. I would love to share my faith in Christ with you. If you are a Christ-follower, struggling with your identity and need encouragement, please reach out. I love you all with His love for you! Blessing to you.