My Rapist Father is My Pimp?

Does this title shock you? Are you rattled that someone would be bold enough to write such a thing?

Unfortunately, waking up to your rapist father also raping and pimping you out is a very real horror for untold children and young girls in our country. This was my reality.

I am a person conceived in incest/rape and a woman who has survived sexual assault and sex-trafficking at the hands of my biological father, step-father and other men for 16 years and several stand-alone rapes in my adult years. From all the years of sexual assaults and trafficking, I know of numerous pregnancies as a result. Sadly, I lost my babies conceived from sex trafficking through physically forced abortion.  The child conceived from the stranger rape was lost through miscarriage. I have spent the last four and a half years of my life researching in detail the plight of moms who get pregnant from sexual assault and the people (from the preborn to those alive today) who were conceived from sexual assault. Children conceived from sex-slavery/trafficking fall into this category.

While I experienced sex-slavery and trafficking, it didn’t hit me that the women trapped in this life would full under sexual assault conception until I began to dig deeper into my own story. As I realized that had I not been rescued by my church pastor in my sixteenth year of life, my stepfather would have continued to trafficked me. He had introduced me to a group of men and women who met at an indescriptive house to trade me and use me how they wished. There were also places around town that were used as meeting places. I was told just how beautiful and desirable I was.  Men would look on me as though they owned my body. I didn’t have a choice to say NO! I was told that I brought it on myself.

As I realized that I had not miscarried that first child that I saw leave me or any of there other children during those years, I remembered what really happened! It was then that the entire world of prostitution and sex trafficking changed for me.

While I have actually been pimped out to other men by my rapists and abusers, I also know what it is like to have my biological rapist father take what he wants from me. Despair and hopelessness filled my soul because for a time, it seemed that no matter where I turned, no one saw me! No one saw the blood running from my wounds. Family didn’t see it. “Friends” didn’t see it. There was no way out!

The GOOD CHRISTIANS looked the other way and said that I asked for it!

Do you realize how many young women in the trafficking industry are raped by the fathers that raped and impregnated their mothers?

They are being raped and pimped out by their biological fathers! Look at the sweet face of the baby girl in the picture above. She was already violated at that age by her rapist father! LET THAT SINK IN! Who will speak for her?

I am the little babe in the picture above. My innocence taken at nine months by my biological father who raped his teen daughter. He took me and abused and raped me until I was ten years old. I will be the voice that no one was for me and the voice of so many like me.

 Each of our cities and towns cry with the voices of the children and young ladies being raised by their rapist fathers who are now repeating the same horrid crimes and selling them for profit. Are your eyes and ears open? Can you see the trail of blood and tears? These ladies shop with us in the convenience stores, pass us with their heads down, yet are praying that we see their cries for help. So often we look right passed them.

I write this blog because I know that Christ Jesus loves each of these women! His heart aches for them. It is angered at the horrors that they live in each moment that they breathe. His tears fall for them when we look away. WILL YOU CONTINUE TO LOOK AWAY? WILL YOU REMAIN SILENT? We are called to speak up for those that do not have a voice! WILL YOU BE THAT VOICE? I, ROWENA ABIGAIL SLUSSER, WILL BE A VOICE!  

This issue can seem so overwhelming and heartbreaking. It can seem that there is no way to overcome such evil, but God’s word tells us that Christ in us is Greater that the evil one in the world! We fight in the Power of Christ Jesus. So, pick up your Sword and take your stand.

For more information on my organization, please visit http://www.facebook.com/treasureofvirtue

Caring for a Woman Pregnant from Sexual Assault

My name is Rowena. I am a Christ-follower. I am a freedom-fighter for life. What does that mean? For the last twenty years, I have been fighting for my own personal freedom. I was a victim of incest, sex trafficking, rape and physically forced abortions. It was during the years of sex trafficking (five years total), I became pregnant many times.

While I never saw the inside of a clinic, I know the effects abortions have on the mind, spirit and body. For a sexual assault survivor, abortion is another type of assault. Now, I am a freedom-fighter for the lives and care of women who have become pregnant from sexual assault as they navigate making life-affirming choices for themselves and their child not yet born. This article is to enlighten the hearts and minds of those who want to better understand how to walk along side a women who is pregnant from sexual assault. 

As I engage in conversation about walking along side women who are pregnant from various types of sex crimes, a common response or reaction I receive from hurt and angry survivors is that if they had gotten pregnant from rape that they would have had an abortion, but I promise that IT WOULD TRAUMATIZE THEM FURTHER. Often, the hurt survivor isn’t thinking about the process of abortion, which I will discuss in a bit more detail later. In these situations, it is so important to have empathy. 

Surviving a brutal rape or years of being raped by a family member or being sold for sex is dehumanizing and causes great shame and false guilt. A survivor saying she would have an abortion is often speaking from this very place. Unless you have been in this deep dungeon of horror, you cannot understand where she is at. Tread lightly and with a soft and compassionate heart for her pain.

One of the biggest gaps in the rape exception line of thought is that we want to “force” women to carry a “rapist baby”. The woman who has suffered trauma needs tremendous love and care. She needs time to process what has happened to her. She needs time for her body to heal from the brutality of rape. This time is vital to her well being. Remember, she is working through a very deep trauma.  

When she finds out she is pregnant, she needs time to breathe and take in the information without added outside pressure. There will be outside pressures to be sure. She will have questions and concerns. When she sees the doctor, she will likely be told that an abortion will make her life easier. As you hold her hand and speak life, don’t pressure her about the baby. God has given women a mother’s heart. Speak about how valuable her life is and the life of her baby.

This strong, yet broken woman needs time to adjust to what is happening. It as been anywhere from 5 weeks to a few months since her assault. She needs loving support to help hold her up and speak Life into her. She needs to hear that it is okay to not be okay. She needs to hear that it will eventually be okay. She needs to hear that she isn’t a freak for carrying a baby from rape.

She is going to be hearing things like, “How can you stand to carry the RAPIST BABY?”, “Get rid of it. It is DEMON SPAWN!”, “An abortion will help you heal faster.”, or “What if that THING looks like your RAPIST?” 

As you can see, the survivor is still under attack when she find out that she is pregnant. What she needs to hear from those of us, who say that we stand for life, is that she is beautiful, she can and will heal, and that the life she is carrying in her is a gift. She needs to know that SHE MATTERS IN THIS WHOLE PROCESS! The more this woman is nurtured and cared for, the more she will flourish and make life-affirming choices.

So far I have talked about what some of the needs of the survivor are. Now I want to highlight how harmful abortion is for a pregnant sexual assault survivor. What I am about to describe is disturbing, so brace yourself. Do you know what is happening in the procedure of an abortion? If you are not sure, please visit https://www.abortionprocedures.com for small videos that illustrate what abortions look like at each stage of pregnancy. The action of  an abortion is taking place in the very part of the survivor’s body that was so forcibly traumatized. Her body will need time to heal from the trauma of rape. The suggestion of abortion will likely cause her body to have unconscious reactions due to the thought of having anything near the vaginal area. Most people do not think about these kinds of details when they say that abortion in the case of rape is acceptable. Please education yourself and others about what abortion truly is and does to better love and care for these mothers.

Stop sending her to slaughter houses that perpetuate further abuse on her after a rape or other sexual exploitations. I know that the terminology is gruesome sounding, but think about what happened to the survivor you are caring for and what would happen in the clinic. The wording is fitting, given what she has already overcome. Instead, love her, stand by her, fight for her and her baby. Show her how precious she is and her child. Speak truth and shine light into the darkness around her. Combat the lies about her situation with truth. Let her love you back and therefore allowing her love to flourish for her baby. Think about it. As you embrace this woman, you are a God-given bridge to her healing and wholeness. 

Encourage her to talk about her thoughts and feeling about the baby. Use encouraging and life-affirming words. Don’t identify the pregnancy with the sexual assault. This will happen enough from other sources including her own processing. This is her child, her baby. Let me repeat this again…

Her child. Her baby. 

As her heart calms, she will see the hope of the life growing inside her. 

Anyone who loves and cares for a survivor mother will not suggest abortion after a sexual assault. 

While there is so much more that I could say about this topic, I will add this final point: I know that there are “pro-lifers” out there that only seem to care about the baby. THIS IS WRONG! I have seen comments saying how bad rape is, but that murdering a baby is worse. Did you know that in the Old Testament of the Bible, both murder and rape were punishable by death? How dare anyone of you tell a survivor of sexual assault that her trauma is bad, but if you murder your baby, you are worse. There is no love or compassion in this comment. THIS WILL NOT LEAD HER TO MAKE A LIFE AFFIRMING CHOICE. Instead she will run from you. As people who claim to stand for life, we need to take a survivor’s hand and walk with her through the storm before her with encouragement, life-affirming words and compassion. 

Could we see a woman who conceives from sexual assault choosing abortion? It is possible because she is a broken woman, scared and feelings alone. Should we condemn her or shun her? A Big Resounding NO! We love her and speak the truth of the Gospel to her. We realize that her wounds are now doubled. 

I pray that this helps someone, more that just someone, many people who struggle with the rape exception. There are no exception in life. God creates all human life in His image, in His likeness. We should cherish and fight to give dignity to the survivor and her child when they are at their most vulnerable.

Remember, I am no stranger to abortion. Lives were stolen from me. Too many to count. I was raped by countless men as my body was sold. Then I was raped under the word “abortion”. STOP USING THIS TO ALLOW CHILDREN TO BE MURDERED AND WOMEN TO BE FURTHER TRAUMATIZED.

Be a Freedom-Fighter for Life.

Broken Pieces

Body memories are something I had never heard of before that dreadful memory came into full view. I had them but didn’t know what was happening. I knew that I had been raped when Casey was at training, but I couldn’t remember the details. Then one day, a pair of eyes brought every detail into focus. Then body memories shattered my healing journey, or so I thought.

 
How often I look back on my younger years of marriage and long for the freedom I felt then. I had less sexual inhibitions with my husband, even though my healing was still so raw. Experimenting with husband was scary and exciting. I had waited until meeting Casey to give my broken heart away. I wanted to experience new things with him. I wanted to GIVE him myself, something I had never experienced. So I had prayed to my Heavenly Father, asking Him to help me protect my heart from anymore scavengers. 

Surviving incest, rape and trafficking for sixteen years had taken its toll on my mind, and heart. I had no thought to the ravaging effects on my body. In the earlier years of dating and marriage, there were extremes. Extreme flashbacks, where I would push my boyfriend/husband away in fear and uncertainty, then when I calmed down, wanting to explore and try something new and exciting. I just wanted to be free with my love. My desire was to feel everything I could with Casey. I would push though physical pain, not realizing that I was doing this. I was pushing through body memories. 

More of my life has been made clear to me. I have survived forced abortions. My young body was tortured with raw instruments to end life growing in me. New body memories were created and locked deep away. I have had issues that caused me to loose the ability to have anymore children. Thankfully, God redeemed my losses of life with two beautiful children, a son and a daughter. Later, due to the effects of the forced abortions, I had to have a complete hysterectomy. I still have severe body memories from the horror I was put through by my pimp.

 
As the years have passed, the Lord Jesus has been faithful to heal my mind of the lies that have been buried deep, due to all the sexual depravity that was forced on me. Mentally, I have learned to see negative thoughts and capture them to the obedience of Christ. I have continually renewed my mind in Christ Jesus. (Romans 12:1-2) I have learned not to live in my feelings, but to be sober-minded and walk in the truth because Jesus is the truth. (John 14:6) For all the work that Christ has done in me and through my obedience to Him, I have found in my most recent years a lack of physical freedom with my husband, who is my most precious gift from the Father. 

With each new memory that is brought to a place of clarity, my body seems to shut down, even as my mind and heart are healing. This is the reality of body memories. Did you know that the body remembers what the mind doesn’t want to or can’t handle? The body remembers everything! These last few years I have prayed for freedom, and still my body hurts and responds to my husband’s touch in unwelcoming ways. I long for my husband. He loves me so very well. He is a walking picture of Christ Jesus love for me. I want to make love to him. I want to be wild and free with my husband, but all I have is broken piece to give!

And then, one night, after my husband has tried yet again to pursue me, a body memory stops it all. All I can think is what a scourge I am to my husband! Do you know what a scourge is? Let me tell you. From the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a scourge is 1: a whip, especially one used to inflict pain or punishment, 2: an instrument of punishment or criticism, 3: a cause of wide or great affliction. For me, I thought I was cause of great pain and affliction to Casey. When I finally spoke to him, I told him that I was a scourge on him. 

Casey, a man full of loving firmness, told me to look at him. I was very resistant. I knew that there was love in his eyes, and I was most definitely unlovable. I couldn’t even perform my wifely duties, thanks to these damn body memories. However, I couldn’t resist him for long. I turned to him. He said that I was speaking lies. I was not a scourge. OH the broken pieces of me spilling out everywhere! What a mess! I totally lost it. I looked at his eyes, and could not handle the love pouring out! I felt so f-ed up! 
I didn’t hold back. Maybe if I just let it all go, he would get mad and leave. “What do you want from me? I am just this broken, f-ed up mess! Is this what you want? A woman who can’t have sex right now because her body won’t do what her heart wants her to? I have snot and tears everywhere, and I am just broken and f-ed up!!!!! Is this what you want??!!??”

He looked at me with such love and tears. He whispered with a strong voice, “Yes.” He said, “Rowena, all I have prayed for since we have been together is to have all of you, and finally, I see and do. You are so amazing and beautiful!” (Okay, I am about to cry typing this out. How I love this man!) He held me and caressed me for hours. I had body memories, and for the first time ever, I held Casey tighter. My body still goes against what my heart says, but I hold on to Casey instead of run. 

I said at the beginning that I thought that body memories had shattered my healing journey, but what my Gracious Redeemer has been doing is drawing me closer to Him. I have learned two very precious lessons this last week. The first lesson is that because of the finished work of the cross, I am not a scourge, but a beautiful blessing to my husband! The second lesson is that when I was letting Casey have it and asking him if he really wanted this broken, f-ed up women, I was really asking that of my LORD and Savior, who already made that decision when He called me His own. He wants me, all of me. Broken pieces and all. 

Body memories still come, but I now know that I only need to run TO  the arms of my Redeemer, as I run into the arms of my lover and husband. My body may break, but God created our two hearts to be one. My brokenness is beautiful to my husband. My broken, messy parts are what Christ wants so desperately to bind up and renew. I want to leave you with a few verses. 

Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Surviving Life and Other Battles

Recently, an older version of my story has circulated Facebook land. While I am not a loud pro-life activist, my testimony speaks loudly for the value of life. Every heartbeat is a treasure isn’t just some phrase that I hashtag for my ministry Treasure of Virtue. Every single life is created in the image of God. It doesn’t matter how it was conceived! My story is more than a pro-life banner though. I am a survivor, a thriver, a warrior princess  who has battled wars that most people can’t imagine. It is my faith and trust is the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob that gives me the courage. Today, I am sharing two photos with you that convey the some of the reasons why I write and speak and do so loudly. Each one saddens and/or angers my heart. I will explain why in further detail below, but first, I want to expound on why I share so much of who I am.

I began my journey of understanding my identity when I was ten years old. That is when I found out that I was conceived from incest/rape. This blog post isn’t long enough to go into all that I have walked in that particle journey, but I will write more about that in the future. I bring this up now though because being a incest/rape conceived person is something that never leaves my mind. On top of this reality, I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, incest and rape at the hands of my baptist pastor dad (who is my biological father/grandfather), my uncle, my older half-brother and possibly other men all in the first ten years of my life. I am a survivor of rape and sex trafficking at the hands of my step-father. He did other atrocities that I will not write here. This happened from the ages of 10 until I was past 16 years old. I am a survivor of stranger rape as a young adult. I have been pregnant from my rapes two times. I lost both babies. One was most likely by an illegal abortion by one of my rapist and my sweet Delaiah miscarried at 10 weeks along. All of these atrocious and unimaginable actions are apart of me. I share because I know that even through all of this, there is One who suffered with me, felt each heart-wrenching break, walked with me as I carried shame so heavy I couldn’t breathe and has restored me.

None of what I have just shared leaves my mind. There are times that I just cry because I want a “normal” person’s brain that isn’t filled with horror. I don’t live in horror any more, but the movies are there in my mind. I have been in some form of counseling or therapy since I was sixteen. Again, I do have a point to all this information. Surviving this life and its battles gives me  the unique ability to speak up and share so others have hope.

When my biographical story was shared on Facebook this week, some of the responses are what I have come to expect. I just keep speaking and writing louder. I share my life because there are women still being used as chattel for men to buy, sell and trade. I share because women are being raped and told to deal with it. I shout my testimony because male church leaders are getting away with sexual abuse and the survivors are told to forgive and forget. I could write a whole other blog on my whys, but I hope you get the picture. I do have one more important why though. I write because every life conceived is a life created in the image of God. No life should be murdered because he or she was conceived in rape, incest, or sex trafficking!

Comments made below my shared story. Didn’t even read it to see the hope inside. So many misconceptions…

Yes, every deviant behavior is disgusting, BUT NO! Abortion wouldn’t have solved anything! I wouldn’t be here with my family and my mom would have still been in the abuse for another 10 years. Such a lack of understanding and true empathy!

These photos first sadden me. This is because I have so much hope in me. Christ Jesus has renewed me and given back to me so much! While I struggle with C-PTSD and all that being a survivor entails, I am an overcomer in Christ. The eyes of those that commented or posted in these pictures haven’t been opened! Until they have their eyes and hearts opened, this is how they will filter my biography. How I pray that they are opened to Christ!

I also get angered when I see these kinds of responses. How dare they belittle and mock my life and my mom for having me. They mock me for wanting my sweet Delaiah after my rape at 22 years old. Life is beautiful. It is a miracle that no one should ever take for granted, but those who respond to my story in these ways do just that! So I speak louder. I battle the wounds! I use my shield to fend off the arrows that come at me through Christ Jesus.

How can you help? Please ask me questions. Invite me to speak. I have experience in a wide variety of topics that I can shed light into. Share my story. Talk about the tough subjects. Please contact me if you need to talk. My phone number is (434)207-8797. My email is treasureofvirtue@gmail.com

Blessings in Christ

Rowena Slusser

Papa In You Alone

Silent Horrors fill the air,
How could he steal his daughter’s soul?
A Collision of seeds and her young womb screams,
“Who will this life be?”
“A Shame? A demon?
A daily reminder of these horrors to repeat?”
Month by month, change by change,
Her father’s child to come from her.

A Little baby crying , no real parents to love her.
Shame is her mother, Disgrace is her father.
Sent to a home named torment, full of lies, revulsion and insanity;
Her terror intensified as she came to understand that her body wasn’t hers.
In dismay and loathing, she would think, why should anyone care to love her?
After all, she was Just a product of violence, right?!
Shame is her mother and Disgrace is her father;
“Let them them have Me!!! Let them devour Me!!” She thought in self disgust.

But wait! A voice louder than thunder spoke. Rushing waters poured like a mighty wave.
“My daughter!” She heard, as her heart was soothed. and He gave her a name.
This moment happened before the violence,
Before the collision of seeds. Her eyes opened to see the unseen story. The Beauty.
How? You may wonder. You may even exclaim!
His Book gives the answers you seek.
Though no one thought her life had meaning or value,
He had the days of her life numbered before even one had ever happened.
He shaped and molded her body together, each intimate detail;
He hand-selected the color of paint for her eyes and hair, brushing each stroke to perfection.

Though He knew her adversity and pain that would scar her,
He had already redeemed her by His Son’s blood.
Her Kinsmen Redeemer never left her side,
As she trained and was equipped into the warrior-princess He called her to be.

Now she stands before you!

And I proudly praise the King of Kings!
Although my life was meant of be a curse of violence by the world and many around me,
The Lord Jesus is mighty to save!
This sinner, shameful and disgraced by my own sin and the many sins committed against me, has experienced a great exchange!
This Exchange is death for Life,
Given by Christ Jesus, through His finished work on the Cross!
Now My Father is the Holy and Anointed One, God the Father!
No longer a Disgrace or Shamed but His Daughter,
AND ONLY BY YOU ALONE! I LOVE YOU PAPA, MY FATHER!

 

I want to give a few quick references to the book mentioned above. Psalm 139:13-16, Ephesians 1:4-5, Ephesians 2:10, Romans 8:14-17. Please Look up these verses in the Bible. If you have questions, do not hesitate to ask me questions. I would love to share my faith in Christ with you. If you are a Christ-follower, struggling with your identity and need encouragement, please reach out. I love you all with His love for you! Blessing to you.

Every Heartbeat is a Treasure

I have already shared this on Facebook as a note, but I wanted it on my blog as well. It is important that the message that every life, no matter how it was conceived be fought for and valued. To all my readership, please like and share this on Facebook and Twitter. Thank you.

Have you every rested your head on your hand and heard your pulse? It is amazing to me to hear my pulse. I was reminded just how precious each heartbeat is. Take a moment, and join me as I explain. Earlier this week, I received a very hateful email in response to my story that has been featured on LifeSiteNew.com. The writer was venomous with her words. I have been encouraged to write a response to this email. Following some time of prayer and mediating on what the Lord wanted me to do, I have decided that for now, I want to address one sentence in the email.

The writer told me the following, “I would of aborted you instantly and if I was you, I would of prayed to have been aborted.” Let me tell you, I am a strong Christian. I know that I am loved and that Christ loved me so much He died for me, but reading those words hurt. More than I can put into words. To be told that she would have ABORTED me is telling me that she would have MURDERED me. To tell me that if she were me, she would have PRAYED to be ABORTED is to tell me that I should have PRAYED to be MURDERED! I am being told that my life is of no value even to myself! I had to remind myself that this writer must have much pain to spew such hate and that Satan must be really unhappy with what God is doing in my life to send his fiery darts at me. I had to remind myself that in Ephesians 2:10, I am told, ‘For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.’ (Read the entire chapter of Ephesians 2. It is so encouraging.)

I initially just tossed the email into the trash, but thought better of it. I shared the entire email with my closest family and friends to pray for me and with me. These type of emails are an attack. It opens several different windows into the hearts of those who call themselves “pro-choice” or ‘pro-abortion”. For this woman, I believe there was a wound, either for her or for someone she knew. Often when we are wounded, we speak from that pain. When we encounter this type of reaction, we must remember James 1:19-21-”Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” (Bold emphasis mine) Before we respond, we must seek what the Holy Spirit wants us to see and say.

My initial response was to throw away the attack. Harden my heart so that I would not get hurt by it. This would give the enemy victory. It would silence me. Instead, I will be quick to hear. I will hear the cry of the heart of a broken woman. Broken by life. So broken in fact, that she would prefer death of a life than to give life. I will hear the scream for love. Love? Yes, love! She may not realize it, but she desperately needs love, especially the love of ONE who can make her whole. We must show love and compassion to those who attack us. Jesus gave a beautiful example of this love and compassion on the cross in Luke 23:34a, “And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but opens the door for repentance. As we are quick to hear, we leave room for a change of heart.

Next, we are instructed to be slow to speak. What does this mean in the context of the line from the email that I referenced above? When I read the words that she would have murdered me through abortion, and that she thinks that I should have wanted to be murdered through abortion, I want to argue with her about the insanity of her thoughts. I mean, any sane person wouldn’t say or write those words to another person! Often, when presented with untruth or hurtful comments, we feel the need to defend ourselves or our beliefs. However, if we take a moment to stop and pray, the Holy Spirit will give us the right words to say or not say. This woman has heard talking points. I will most likely not respond directly to her. I will pray for her. I will not right a hateful post about a hateful woman. Instead, I will enlighten my readership on how to glorify Christ in fighting the good fight in standing up for those lives affected by sexual assault conception.

After prayer and a time to cool down, I will speak loudly to proclaim God’s word over the lie that my life should have been murdered. We are told in Psalm 139:13-16, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” In Ephesians 1:4-5, we are told, that if we are believers in Christ, the following is the truth, “even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will.”

Out of the three commands in James 1:19, slow to anger is the last last listed, but I think that it is the hardest to overcome. Is it wrong to get angry? No, I do not believe it is. The Bible tells us to be angry and not sin and to not give opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27) The command in James 1:19 is to be slow to anger. Why do you think that is? I think it is because often when we are angry, we cannot do what James 1:20-21 tells us, “for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.” Ungodly anger leads to filth and wickedness. That is what led to the vile words within the email that was sent to me. For this reason, I must not respond with anger.

Do not misunderstand me. I do feel anger! How dare someone tell me that I should have been murdered! However, being slow to anger, I respond with gentleness and self-control, allowing the Holy Spirit to temper my thoughts and words. Through these actions, I hope to allow the Lord to work on my behalf. Through this process, I am able to express my thoughts and feelings on how this email has affected me. I can then explain how I am able to handle it.

If I had just trashed the email, I would have missed out on an opportunity to write about this experience. Every single circumstance is an open door to share what Christ is doing in my life. At the start of this blog, it was to be a few sentences long for a Facebook page post. As you can see, God had other ideas. I have been working long and hard behind the scenes this last year with Treasure of Virtue. Not much has happened on the Facebook page or in organization as a whole. You may be asking why I am bring this up in a blog about an vile email. The point is that earlier this year, I announced that I came up with a slogan for Treasure of Virtue: Every Heartbeat is a Treasure. By this woman attacking my very life, she highlighted the very reason that Treasure of Virtue exist.

As I continue to move forward, I know that hate mail will come reminding me that there are those who are hurt and angry. Those who believe that abortion in the case of sexual assault pregnancies will spew venomous world like those quoted above, but as long as I remember James 1:19-21, I will be able to speak the truth with confidence and love. I will be able to hear my heartbeat and know that Every Heartbeat is a Treasure.

When ‘The He’ Won’t Go Away

I started this blog back in November of 2016. It has been sitting in the draft folder all this time as I worked through the deep emotions that stirred it up. I am not as emotional as I was when I first wrote “When ‘The He’ Won’t Go Away”. I believe with all my heart that this blog still needs to be shared. So often survivors of sexual assault (sexual abuse, incest, rape, sexual exploitation, sex slavery, sex trafficking, sexual harassment, etc) are shamed because we struggle with our triggers. If we claim to be Christians, we are shamed and judged that we are not trusting in Jesus or not forgiving enough because of our struggles. For this reason, I have kept much of the raw emotion in this blog. So without further comment…

Recently, the face of my rapist of six years has been thrust in my face! My younger brother and sisters have decided to have a relationship with him. In doing so, they took individual pictures with him and posted them on Facebook. One sister even had it as her profile picture. My deepest grievance with them is that they didn’t talk to me, warn me or anything. I knew the day would come when they would reach out to this man. I just can’t help but think if they realize the depth of evil he put me through. I am not angry with them, just hurt. This will take time for me to process. I don’t know if I should even bring it up to them or not. Will they even listen or understand why I am hurt, scared, or sick at heart?

While I have forgiven all of my abusers and rapists, the fact is that, what they did to me will have life-long impacts. They stole my very dignity, my childhood, my ability to trust, and my ability to be loved without suspicion. These are just a few of the surface issues. Often the struggle of survivors of domestic violence, and sexual assault get labeled and then overlooked by those around us. We are told to get counseling and get over it. If we are Christians, we are told to forgive and forget. Jesus did! God chooses to remember our sins no more, but we as Christians are commanded to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. We are not commanded to forget. Jesus sure didn’t forget his scares. Actually, he pointed them out to his disciples.

Let me list some of the impacts that will never go away. My father forever changed my family tree. I will never, on this earth have a God-ordained father and mother as my children have. Even though my biological mom is alive and we have a good relationship, she wasn’t able to be a mom to me. My bio father took that from her and me. In my most honest moments, I feel like an orphan. There is a deep whole where the love of a father and mother go that is empty. (Christians, before you start, I know I am loved by the Father.) My father took that from me. My rapist of six years, whose face has blown up my Facebook, ruined any hope of an earthy father’s love with rape and sodomy. I will only ever have half-siblings. This is my reality. Because of what my father did, I fear guns and male strength. This is my reality. Am I healing? YES by the blood of Jesus! I know that I am loved. The emptiness is filled with Christ. The wounds and scars are still there!

My step-father changed my view of intimacy. To be loved, I had to perform sexual acts. When I wouldn’t, I was raped. I felt worthless, dirty and that I must have deserved it because I was conceived from rape. He pitted me against my mother. That I know of, he still blames me. He stole my body over and over for 6 years. He said that he would never let me go. His face appears when I least expect it. Writing about what happened during these six years is still the hardest for me. This is my reality. Am I healing? YES. For each thing I have put, I choose to forgive. I rest in the arms of the Father and trust that He is good.

I have often felt shame for sharing these parts of my journey. People have told me that I should be over it or not so emotional about what these men did to me. I have been asked how come I am still triggered after all these years? Shouldn’t it be easier by now? I have been told that I shouldn’t be a victim. I should JUST trust Jesus and it will all be okay. I am not a victim. I do TRUST Christ! He is my LIFELINE in a world that feels like it could crash around me at times. He is my cornerstone, my ROCK when the ground shakes beneath me.

Please don’t give me christianese when I start talking and shedding light on what one my rapist did to me. Sharing the abuse that my father and step-father did to me brings freedom not only to me but to others as well. Jesus is my Healer, and Redeemer, and He has made me whole.

I want to remind you of this: When I share that I am triggered or that my C-PTSD is screaming at me, it might make you uncomfortable. I don’t need polite platitudes, or inspirational quotes. A simple “I am sorry you are triggered.” or ” I don’t know what to say.” is okay. Just being there to let me process is what I need. Talk to me. Don’t hide what is hard. My life has been hard. As a survivor, I just want to be validated and believed. I want to be listened to and loved. And when “THE HE” won’t go away, I just want to be reassured that I am safe and that I am able to fight for me now. (My husband tells me that I could take HIM anytime.) Be my friend and lead me to the cross where my salvation comes from.

Finally, this all is a reminder that my rapists are guilty. Not me! None of them have “served justice” for the crimes committed against me. One died having never served a day in jail and the other “plead to a lesser charge”, serving only a fraction of what he would have been given. Please understand I am grieved today because of this injustice. I have forgiven. I know beyond a shadow of doubt that they will stand before God, and they will receive eternal justice. My father has died. I do not know if he was a repentant Christ follower or not. I do not know if he is in heaven or hell. My heart’s prayer is that He was covered by Christ’s blood and stands in Heaven. I don’t know. My step-father is alive and looks well. He has not repented for the crimes that he has committed. Because I have forgiven him, I hope that he is saved. I know that he will either suffer for eternity in hell if he rejects Christ, or will receive redemption, if he repents and follows Christ.

Because Jesus said, “IT IS FINISHED!”

Rowena

Heart thoughts of a Redeemed Survivor

I want to share a page from my journal. For the past three weeks, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. I faced a deep-rooted fear that was planted when I was around 4 years old. In the process of working through my healing, I had another blow that involved my rapist of 5 to 6 years. I know that the talk of rape and its effects is very uncomfortable for most people, but it is a very real horror with real, long lasting consequences. For the first time in 22 years, I may see a few of my rapist children. Even writing those words sends shivers down my spine and causes my stomach to turn. I share this because it occurred to me that there are other survivors of long-term and short-term rape/sexual assault who might have or will struggle with this very issue. Often, we are told that we are just emotional or taking things to personally. Well, I will tell you that it is very personal. So please read and share:

How one man can cause such deep pain and rifts breaks my heart. It has been 22 years since he got caught in his crime. His crimes against me went on for about 6 years. His crimes grossly affected me, but they also affected my loved ones. Sitting here, I have new realizations of how Christ protected me from a certain future. I am in anguish over the place I am in. My heart cries out words I can’t write because they are to graphic to repeat. I long to be understood but only He really knows. I forgive! I forgive! But the pain is real. The struggle is real! The wounds are real. The story isn’t fiction; it happened over and over, day and night. By His stripes, with His nail-scarred hands, beneath His blood, I am overcoming, but the pain, the choices I face, the choosing to feel! It is real!!! Sorrow, horror, anger, heartache, distress, pain: they are real for a crimes committed against me over and over again. I rest in His peace but must sit here in tears as He continues yet another open heart surgery on His redeemed daughter. No pain-numbing meds for me. I must face this. I must make this choice for my good and my children’s good. He is for me. He is protecting me. I only need His validation. He is with me. Release everyone else, their thoughts and choices and cling to Him for dear life! He is the only one who can know intimately the crimes that caused this heart attack.

~ The Heart Cries of His Redeemed Daughter

Thank you for sharing in my healing. Encourage the survivors in you life.

You Want Me To Forgive Who?

This is a copy of the speech I gave on forgiveness. I hope it is a blessing to those who read it. 
Good Afternoon. My name is Rowena. It is a privilege to be here today. Let us begin with prayer.
I would like to start with a story of a young man, sentenced for crimes he
didn’t commit. Here is a list of his perpetrators:
A.) A friend betrayed him
B.) The rest of his friends abandoned him.
C.) Religious and Community leaders conspire against him to murder him.
D.) Government officials use the legal system to sentence him to death, knowing he was innocent.
What did man say about forgiveness?

As we continue our time together, we will explore how forgiveness is the day to freedom from the strongholds that bind us tightly. We will discover the Author of Forgiveness and His commands to follow in His footsteps.

You might be wondering if I know what its is like to be told the I must forgive. My life story is one of redemption and forgiveness. Let me share with you parts of my story. I will start with a list of sinful actions that I have had to ask forgiveness, followed by a list of sins committed against me.
Here is the list of my sinful actions for which I have had to confess and ask to be forgiven of:
>Being a sinner in general. My salvation was at age 5.
>Hating my dad for abusing me.
>Hating my childhood mom because she didn’t protect me.
>Hating my real mom because she didn’t believe or protect me.
>Hating my step-father because he raped me.
>Being unfaithful to my husband by having sexual conversations with
another man online.
>Giving in to same-sex attraction desires by participating in inappropriate
behavior with other women while being married to my husband.
>Threatening to leave my husband and children in anger.

Here is a list of the sinful actions of others against me which I have extended forgiveness:
>The first 10 years of my life consisted of sexual abuse by my dad, older brother and uncle.
>At age 4, it was revealed that my older sister was actually my mom.
>At age 10, I was told the truth of my dad also being my
grandfather because he raped his daughter and got her pregnant.
>My dad was a pastor of a church.
>When I was 10, we escape my dad’s grip and move to a small town in
West Texas.
>During ages of 10 and 11, sexual abuse started by my future step-father.
>The pastor of the church we were going to, blamed me for my future
step-father molesting me, saying that I had a demon in me that made men
molest me.
>Molestation turns to rape, sex-trafficking and all types of sexual assaults at the hands of
of my step-father from ages 10-16.
>Raped at age 22 by a stranger, in my home, while my husband away for
military training.
>After my 30th birthday, I found out that my husband was a sex addict.
This list isn’t complete, but it give you a glimpse of the path of forgiveness in my life.

I share this list with you to give you a foundation to help answer the question, “You want me to forgive ‘Who’?”.

I will demonstrate four key points on forgiveness. The are:
1. How Christ extends forgiveness on the cross and commands us to forgive too.
2.What forgiveness is not and what it is.
3. Name the “Who” (and “What”)
4. Practical way to work through forgiveness (Pray, forgive, bless)

To move forward, let’s start wth the young man in the introduction.
Main Point 1. He had plenty of wounds inflicted on Him. Have you guessed who this person is? It is our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Here are verses from the Bible about forgiveness:
A. Mark 11:25
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
B. Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
These verses are commands from Jesus. He commanded forgiveness, but do we
see Him forgive? YES!!! Let us look at the Scriptures. Luke 23:33-35 says,
“33 And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. 34 And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”[a] And they cast lots to divide his garments. 35 And the people stood by, watching, but the rulers scoffed at him, saying, “He saved others; let him save himself, if he is the Christ of God, his Chosen One!”
He forgave them in the middle of causing him harm.

Now that we have examined Christ forgiveness and His command to forgive…

Main Point 2. Let us dig deeper into what forgiveness is not and what it is
A. Forgiveness isn’t saying that sin is okay or allowing it to continue.
Jesus died for the forgiveness of sin, so the sin did happen and was wrong. It was so wrong, that Jesus shed His blood for it on the cross. Ephesians 1:7 says, “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,” Other verses that speak to Christ forgiveness through the shedding of His blood are Hebrews 9:22 and 1Peter 3:18a.
Forgiveness comes after repentance. Repentance is “turning from sin.” Mark 1:4-“John appeared, baptizing in the wilderness and proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.”
B. Forgiveness isn’t waiting to receive an apology. Refer to Luke 23:33-35 and
Jesus forgave having no apology extended to Him.
C. Forgiveness is not forgetting.
example: How many of you have heard “Forgive and forget!”? I have
heard this from family members who harmed me. I have forgiven them,
but I cannot forget.
D. Forgiving doesn’t stop the pain.
example: I can tell you that the pain of my sexual assaults is very real.
Feeling pain from your memories doesn’t mean that you haven’t forgiven. I will discuss forgiveness and painful memories in a session tomorrow.
E. Forgiveness isn’t trusting again quickly or reconciliation.
example 1: I forgave my father for sexually abusing me. Should I let him
meet my children and hug them? NO WAY!! There is not trust there.
example 2: My older brother molested me. I have forgiven him, but
do I have to have a trusting relationship with him? Nope. I can be kind
and love him with the love of Christ and my relationship ends there.
F. Forgiveness and Justice
1. In talking about forgiveness, justice is not neglected. Although I
forgave my abusers and rapists, I pressed charges on them and
pursued justice through the legal system.
2. Ultimately, justice will come through Christ Jesus. The person
who you forgive will either come to faith in Christ and justice will
be met at the cross of calvary, or they will receive the ultimate justice
in eternal separation from God in hell for being unrepentant.
G. Forgiveness is an ongoing event.
1. Sometimes you forgive someone and they keep on sinning, so you
continue to forgive. (Remember Jesus said seventy times seven.) Now if
you or your loved ones are in danger, remove yourself(s) from danger.
2. Other times, you forgive a person or persons, but then memories or
triggers happen. Forgiveness may be needed again to block bitterness
from taking root.
example: My husband puts is hand on my knee when he is driving.
All of a sudden I remember my step-father hurting me. I quickly
pray a prayer to forgive him in that memory. I release him to God
and pray for his salvation.

Main Point 3. Where are you on the path of forgiveness?
A. New-never herd about forgiveness before.
B. Informed-You have heard about forgiveness but haven’t
put it into action
C. Starting to apply the knowledge of forgiveness to your life.
D. Been forgiven and following Christ command to forgive.
E. Walking in freedom.

Main Point 4. Name the “Who.” (and “What”)
A. As you have listened to me talk, “who” came to mind?
B. What was the circumstance?
example: I choose to forgive my dad for raping my mom and getting her
pregnant with me, for causing me to have a huge hole in my heart,
and for sexually abusing me too. I pray that he finds faith in you,
Jesus, for his salvation.

Thank you so much for your attention.
I know that this topic has been intense and painful for many of you. My heart is with you. I love you and have prayed for each of you as I prepared to speak on this topic. I can attest to the fruitfulness of forgiveness. I have been forgiven by God and my significant others for many things. It is freeing to have the debt for those wrongdoings forgiven. Because I have experience forgiveness, I know that my key points are a way of working through forgiving others. Again, these points are : 1.) Christ forgave and commands us to forgive like He did. 2.) What forgiveness is not and what its is. 3.)Where are you on the path of forgiveness? and finally, 4.) Name the “who.” (and “what).

I hope that this session has been a benefit to you on your journey with Christ. Thank you for taking the time to attend this session. If you would like more information on my story or have questions about forgiveness, Please leave comments. You can also email me at treasureofviritue@gmail.com.
I pray the peace Christ dwell with you.