Caring for a Woman Pregnant from Sexual Assault

My name is Rowena. I am a Christ-follower. I am a freedom-fighter for life. What does that mean? For the last twenty years, I have been fighting for my own personal freedom. I was a victim of incest, sex trafficking, rape and physically forced abortions. It was during the years of sex trafficking (five years total), I became pregnant many times.

While I never saw the inside of a clinic, I know the effects abortions have on the mind, spirit and body. For a sexual assault survivor, abortion is another type of assault. Now, I am a freedom-fighter for the lives and care of women who have become pregnant from sexual assault as they navigate making life-affirming choices for themselves and their child not yet born. This article is to enlighten the hearts and minds of those who want to better understand how to walk along side a women who is pregnant from sexual assault. 

As I engage in conversation about walking along side women who are pregnant from various types of sex crimes, a common response or reaction I receive from hurt and angry survivors is that if they had gotten pregnant from rape that they would have had an abortion, but I promise that IT WOULD TRAUMATIZE THEM FURTHER. Often, the hurt survivor isn’t thinking about the process of abortion, which I will discuss in a bit more detail later. In these situations, it is so important to have empathy. 

Surviving a brutal rape or years of being raped by a family member or being sold for sex is dehumanizing and causes great shame and false guilt. A survivor saying she would have an abortion is often speaking from this very place. Unless you have been in this deep dungeon of horror, you cannot understand where she is at. Tread lightly and with a soft and compassionate heart for her pain.

One of the biggest gaps in the rape exception line of thought is that we want to “force” women to carry a “rapist baby”. The woman who has suffered trauma needs tremendous love and care. She needs time to process what has happened to her. She needs time for her body to heal from the brutality of rape. This time is vital to her well being. Remember, she is working through a very deep trauma.  

When she finds out she is pregnant, she needs time to breathe and take in the information without added outside pressure. There will be outside pressures to be sure. She will have questions and concerns. When she sees the doctor, she will likely be told that an abortion will make her life easier. As you hold her hand and speak life, don’t pressure her about the baby. God has given women a mother’s heart. Speak about how valuable her life is and the life of her baby.

This strong, yet broken woman needs time to adjust to what is happening. It as been anywhere from 5 weeks to a few months since her assault. She needs loving support to help hold her up and speak Life into her. She needs to hear that it is okay to not be okay. She needs to hear that it will eventually be okay. She needs to hear that she isn’t a freak for carrying a baby from rape.

She is going to be hearing things like, “How can you stand to carry the RAPIST BABY?”, “Get rid of it. It is DEMON SPAWN!”, “An abortion will help you heal faster.”, or “What if that THING looks like your RAPIST?” 

As you can see, the survivor is still under attack when she find out that she is pregnant. What she needs to hear from those of us, who say that we stand for life, is that she is beautiful, she can and will heal, and that the life she is carrying in her is a gift. She needs to know that SHE MATTERS IN THIS WHOLE PROCESS! The more this woman is nurtured and cared for, the more she will flourish and make life-affirming choices.

So far I have talked about what some of the needs of the survivor are. Now I want to highlight how harmful abortion is for a pregnant sexual assault survivor. What I am about to describe is disturbing, so brace yourself. Do you know what is happening in the procedure of an abortion? If you are not sure, please visit https://www.abortionprocedures.com for small videos that illustrate what abortions look like at each stage of pregnancy. The action of  an abortion is taking place in the very part of the survivor’s body that was so forcibly traumatized. Her body will need time to heal from the trauma of rape. The suggestion of abortion will likely cause her body to have unconscious reactions due to the thought of having anything near the vaginal area. Most people do not think about these kinds of details when they say that abortion in the case of rape is acceptable. Please education yourself and others about what abortion truly is and does to better love and care for these mothers.

Stop sending her to slaughter houses that perpetuate further abuse on her after a rape or other sexual exploitations. I know that the terminology is gruesome sounding, but think about what happened to the survivor you are caring for and what would happen in the clinic. The wording is fitting, given what she has already overcome. Instead, love her, stand by her, fight for her and her baby. Show her how precious she is and her child. Speak truth and shine light into the darkness around her. Combat the lies about her situation with truth. Let her love you back and therefore allowing her love to flourish for her baby. Think about it. As you embrace this woman, you are a God-given bridge to her healing and wholeness. 

Encourage her to talk about her thoughts and feeling about the baby. Use encouraging and life-affirming words. Don’t identify the pregnancy with the sexual assault. This will happen enough from other sources including her own processing. This is her child, her baby. Let me repeat this again…

Her child. Her baby. 

As her heart calms, she will see the hope of the life growing inside her. 

Anyone who loves and cares for a survivor mother will not suggest abortion after a sexual assault. 

While there is so much more that I could say about this topic, I will add this final point: I know that there are “pro-lifers” out there that only seem to care about the baby. THIS IS WRONG! I have seen comments saying how bad rape is, but that murdering a baby is worse. Did you know that in the Old Testament of the Bible, both murder and rape were punishable by death? How dare anyone of you tell a survivor of sexual assault that her trauma is bad, but if you murder your baby, you are worse. There is no love or compassion in this comment. THIS WILL NOT LEAD HER TO MAKE A LIFE AFFIRMING CHOICE. Instead she will run from you. As people who claim to stand for life, we need to take a survivor’s hand and walk with her through the storm before her with encouragement, life-affirming words and compassion. 

Could we see a woman who conceives from sexual assault choosing abortion? It is possible because she is a broken woman, scared and feelings alone. Should we condemn her or shun her? A Big Resounding NO! We love her and speak the truth of the Gospel to her. We realize that her wounds are now doubled. 

I pray that this helps someone, more that just someone, many people who struggle with the rape exception. There are no exception in life. God creates all human life in His image, in His likeness. We should cherish and fight to give dignity to the survivor and her child when they are at their most vulnerable.

Remember, I am no stranger to abortion. Lives were stolen from me. Too many to count. I was raped by countless men as my body was sold. Then I was raped under the word “abortion”. STOP USING THIS TO ALLOW CHILDREN TO BE MURDERED AND WOMEN TO BE FURTHER TRAUMATIZED.

Be a Freedom-Fighter for Life.

Broken Pieces

Body memories are something I had never heard of before that dreadful memory came into full view. I had them but didn’t know what was happening. I knew that I had been raped when Casey was at training, but I couldn’t remember the details. Then one day, a pair of eyes brought every detail into focus. Then body memories shattered my healing journey, or so I thought.

 
How often I look back on my younger years of marriage and long for the freedom I felt then. I had less sexual inhibitions with my husband, even though my healing was still so raw. Experimenting with husband was scary and exciting. I had waited until meeting Casey to give my broken heart away. I wanted to experience new things with him. I wanted to GIVE him myself, something I had never experienced. So I had prayed to my Heavenly Father, asking Him to help me protect my heart from anymore scavengers. 

Surviving incest, rape and trafficking for sixteen years had taken its toll on my mind, and heart. I had no thought to the ravaging effects on my body. In the earlier years of dating and marriage, there were extremes. Extreme flashbacks, where I would push my boyfriend/husband away in fear and uncertainty, then when I calmed down, wanting to explore and try something new and exciting. I just wanted to be free with my love. My desire was to feel everything I could with Casey. I would push though physical pain, not realizing that I was doing this. I was pushing through body memories. 

More of my life has been made clear to me. I have survived forced abortions. My young body was tortured with raw instruments to end life growing in me. New body memories were created and locked deep away. I have had issues that caused me to loose the ability to have anymore children. Thankfully, God redeemed my losses of life with two beautiful children, a son and a daughter. Later, due to the effects of the forced abortions, I had to have a complete hysterectomy. I still have severe body memories from the horror I was put through by my pimp.

 
As the years have passed, the Lord Jesus has been faithful to heal my mind of the lies that have been buried deep, due to all the sexual depravity that was forced on me. Mentally, I have learned to see negative thoughts and capture them to the obedience of Christ. I have continually renewed my mind in Christ Jesus. (Romans 12:1-2) I have learned not to live in my feelings, but to be sober-minded and walk in the truth because Jesus is the truth. (John 14:6) For all the work that Christ has done in me and through my obedience to Him, I have found in my most recent years a lack of physical freedom with my husband, who is my most precious gift from the Father. 

With each new memory that is brought to a place of clarity, my body seems to shut down, even as my mind and heart are healing. This is the reality of body memories. Did you know that the body remembers what the mind doesn’t want to or can’t handle? The body remembers everything! These last few years I have prayed for freedom, and still my body hurts and responds to my husband’s touch in unwelcoming ways. I long for my husband. He loves me so very well. He is a walking picture of Christ Jesus love for me. I want to make love to him. I want to be wild and free with my husband, but all I have is broken piece to give!

And then, one night, after my husband has tried yet again to pursue me, a body memory stops it all. All I can think is what a scourge I am to my husband! Do you know what a scourge is? Let me tell you. From the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a scourge is 1: a whip, especially one used to inflict pain or punishment, 2: an instrument of punishment or criticism, 3: a cause of wide or great affliction. For me, I thought I was cause of great pain and affliction to Casey. When I finally spoke to him, I told him that I was a scourge on him. 

Casey, a man full of loving firmness, told me to look at him. I was very resistant. I knew that there was love in his eyes, and I was most definitely unlovable. I couldn’t even perform my wifely duties, thanks to these damn body memories. However, I couldn’t resist him for long. I turned to him. He said that I was speaking lies. I was not a scourge. OH the broken pieces of me spilling out everywhere! What a mess! I totally lost it. I looked at his eyes, and could not handle the love pouring out! I felt so f-ed up! 
I didn’t hold back. Maybe if I just let it all go, he would get mad and leave. “What do you want from me? I am just this broken, f-ed up mess! Is this what you want? A woman who can’t have sex right now because her body won’t do what her heart wants her to? I have snot and tears everywhere, and I am just broken and f-ed up!!!!! Is this what you want??!!??”

He looked at me with such love and tears. He whispered with a strong voice, “Yes.” He said, “Rowena, all I have prayed for since we have been together is to have all of you, and finally, I see and do. You are so amazing and beautiful!” (Okay, I am about to cry typing this out. How I love this man!) He held me and caressed me for hours. I had body memories, and for the first time ever, I held Casey tighter. My body still goes against what my heart says, but I hold on to Casey instead of run. 

I said at the beginning that I thought that body memories had shattered my healing journey, but what my Gracious Redeemer has been doing is drawing me closer to Him. I have learned two very precious lessons this last week. The first lesson is that because of the finished work of the cross, I am not a scourge, but a beautiful blessing to my husband! The second lesson is that when I was letting Casey have it and asking him if he really wanted this broken, f-ed up women, I was really asking that of my LORD and Savior, who already made that decision when He called me His own. He wants me, all of me. Broken pieces and all. 

Body memories still come, but I now know that I only need to run TO  the arms of my Redeemer, as I run into the arms of my lover and husband. My body may break, but God created our two hearts to be one. My brokenness is beautiful to my husband. My broken, messy parts are what Christ wants so desperately to bind up and renew. I want to leave you with a few verses. 

Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Abortion-It Was Not My Choice, But Where is My Baby?

I have hesitated speaking out about my abortion experience because I didn’t choose it. I was being raped by one of the father-figures in my life, and he was pimping me out to other men at age eleven. He told me that I would have no babies. I really didn’t understand what he meant until he took me to a place and ripped my baby out of my body. He did this often for 5 years.

During my eleventh year, I thought I was having a bad period, but it was the effects of the tools he used to make my baby die. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but he suspected. I never went to a clinic. He took care of the “problem” himself. I was eleven years old and really had no concept of what abortion was. When I became an adult and miscarried my first child with my now-husband, I realized that what I saw at age eleven was an 8 week old baby come out of me. I thought I miscarried because I had blocked out parts of the memories of the abortions performed on me. For years, I always assumed that I had gotten pregnant and miscarried that baby.

Then about nine months ago, I started to remember more clearly things that happened. I had pieces of the memories, but part of trauma is that the brain can block what is too painful to remember. One night I was sleeping and wake up screaming “There is no baby! There is no baby!”. Pain gripped my body, especially where my womb use to be. All the fussy images came together and I saw what I couldn’t handle seeing for so long. My rapist/pimp was his own god and decided that my baby and to go. Once I was able to calm down and process what I was reliving, I realized that the baby I lost at age eleven was indeed an abortion and not a miscarriage. Again, this man that should have been protecting me, routinely scraped me to kill any life growing in my body. I don’t know why I don’t remember my other babies, but I am sure that I will see a few in heaven.

I want to explain that abortion is a convenience to cover the crimes of incest, rape and trafficking. My perpetrator used his own means to rip growing life from my body. I wonder how many men got away with raping me while my pimp passed me out to church member and other men. How many times did his actions of performing abortions hide the children that would have possibly saved me. Imagine if there had been a clinic close by!

I was victimized over and over with the rape and trafficking, but I was also RAPED by the ABORTIONS. Our bodies were never intended to have our wombs emptied by outside forces coming in. (Ladies reading this post, I am so sad that my words will cause great pain. I truly do not intend to do that.) I know that this is deep, dark and painful, but I can tell you that if you go through with the abortion, every part of you will regret it. You will feel your body be angry with you. Your heart will have the deepest emptiness and no amount of words will make it okay! Please, I plead with you to listen to me because I am walking a path of great sorrow over abortions that I had no say over!

At this time, I am seeking counseling for the pain of this incredible loss. I struggle with thoughts that I could have ran away or I could have fought back. Often, my abuser would keep me in his darkened web by offering to spare my younger siblings from his abuse. I felt and do feel guilt for not fighting back or doing more. Now, I KNOW that I have no guilt or shame for what he did to me, but still those emotions can weigh heavy at times. I feel I am over emotional about the forced abortions and trafficking. I mean, I am suppose to be a Bible-believing, Spirit-filled Christian! Give it to God and move on, right? Nope, not so fast. My role model of faith is the Lord Jesus. He was in anguish leading up to the Cross! He didn’t skip the emotional mess of pain He was feeling.

Walking this journey of suffering, remembering, and healing brings a plethora of emotions and reactions from my body. I spend hours in the Word of God to renew my broken mind. I do this to retrain my brain to think on Christ life, death and resurrection because this is my foundation when my world quakes. I hurt so deeply that I do not have the words to describe how deep the ache and pain goes. I dream of my baby. I named my treasure Inocensio because he was innocent and so was I.

I plead with each man and woman who reads this to fight for women and their little hidden treasures from God! Abortion is murder and tears apart the heart of the mother and those around her. Fight for what is Right in God’s Eyes. He gives life! Women faced with the decision of life or death, look in the mirror and see the life in your eyes and know that your child has the same life in his or her eyes. I didn’t have a choice in the loss and murder of my treasure, my child. Precious reader, you do! Take a deep breathe, pray to the Lord Jesus for your heart to be softened to His voice. He will confirm what you already know…Your baby is alive and is a gift from God.

If you have had an abortion, I pass no judgement. Abortion is murder, and you must face your choice! You can face it without Christ, and I promise that you will not get far. The “healing” will not last because Christ Jesus is the Great Physician. You can face your choice with Christ, repent, be forgiven and walk in wholeness and freedom. I love you with the love of Christ! I pray for your restoration and redemption. There are resources for post-abortive care.

Finally, I close with hope and the knowledge that the LORD God has redeemed and restored my heart through the finished work of Christ Jesus. I will walk my path of healing, but I can rest in the Love of the Father God because of Jesus Christ the Son. I will have days where my C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation and Body memories seem to overwhelm me, BUT Christ reminds us, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9 (ESV)

If you wish to contact me, please email at treasureofvirtue@gmail.com or visit my Facebook ministry page: http://www.facebook.com/treasureofvirtue.

Blessings to you in Christ Jesus,

Rowena