“Your a Jezabel. Men will have sex with you because you have a seductive spirit.” This is the verbal lie that I was told by the church leaders my mom went to for help. I had revealed to my mom that her boyfriend had sexually molested me. My mom and I had escaped the prison of ancestral use just a half a year before. All I knew was that men loved me if they touch me sexually, though I didn’t even know what “sexually” meant. From this one lie came ten to eleven more years of all manners of sexual assault from this man.
Because my mom was told that I was the problem, she didn’t protect me. I cannot answer for her choices, but I can say that I understand and have forgiven her. At that time though, I thought that she hated me and blamed me for what her future husband did and would do to me. This lie had taken root deep in my heart.
My step-father would tell me that I was beautiful and that he knew that I wanted him. What I really wanted was a dad. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel normal. I felt like a freak because I knew that I was conceived by incest/rape. My heart had a desperate longing to find a place where my conception didn’t define me. If my step-father could “love” me, then maybe I wasn’t a disgrace. So the lie that I was to blame played its deceitful song in my heart. My belief that this treacherous lie was somehow true continued to grow deeper into the depths of my heart. Since I wanted a daddy so bad, I must be acting seductive and wanting my step-father’s advances.
The years passed, and I felt like my step-father’s sex slave. I did whatever he demanded because if I did not, he would hurt my younger sisters and brother. He would hurt my mom. Remember, he played on my desperate need for a father. He liked for me to call him “Daddy.” All along, I believed that this sexual slavery was really my fault. I would think that maybe he was my slave and could not escape my seductive web. Isn’t it what “God’s people” said?
I would cry to God to save me from his hands. I believed that maybe God wasn’t answering because I had caused my step-father to want me like a wife. (Right now, tears burn my eyes thinking back on these thoughts. What one simple lie led me to believe breaks and angers my heart.) Today, I know and understand that what this man did was not my fault.
At age sixteen, a rather large breakthrough would happen. We started attending a different church. By God’s grace, I started attending the youth group. Why is this such a big deal? This was the catalyst that God used to deliver me from my abuse. During this year, the Lord showed me that my worth is in Him. He created me and adopted me through Christ finished work of the cross. He showed me that He was indeed my Father, my Papa. I didn’t need to seek a father’s love from any other man.This was an eye-opener and source of freedom for me. For the first time, I felt that I could possibly say no to my step-father. I tried to say “NO!” but to no avail. His advances turned into a mix of total withdrawal of any form of acceptance and love to forcible rape and sodomy. I couldn’t cry in front of him. He would tell me that I really wanted what he was doing. I would think that maybe he was right.
For roughly three months, my life was an earthly hell. The lie continued to grow and reached into every area of my life. spawning new lies based on the original lie. I tried to say no to this man, but he would tell me that I really loved him. He would say that since I knew what he wanted, I must really want what he was doing to me.
You are most likely wondering where my mom was in this mess. She was there, but I began to resent her because I really thought that she didn’t care. I just knew that if she found out, she would send me to my father’s house. I believed that she would take my step-father’s side. Why wouldn’t she? She was told that I was the one to blame; that it was my doing.
Thankfully, my years of sexual assault at the hands of my step-father were about to come to an end. The lie would take on a new life, which I will share in a later blog. My mom caught her husband attempting to have sex with me. All I thought was that I was in trouble! This was all my fault. I actually believed that if I wasn’t beautiful, that my mom and step-father would not be suffering; this was my evilness.
Even as freedom from sex slavery danced in front of me, I was a slave to the lie that I had a Jezebel spirit and was sexually seductive. This deception rooted it the core of my heart had tentacles in each area of my life. As healing would start, there is a gaping blackhole that didn’t seem to go away. This fallacy disguise itself. In the next few blogs, I will share more.
Before I go, let me leave you with some closing thoughts and questions. Lies that we are told have power to poison our lives. The only true healing from them are THE TRUTH: JESUS CHRIST! Now I am making some hard questions:
-Can you identify any lies that are poisoning your life? (If so write them down to share with a pastor, counselor and/or friend.)
-Do you see what areas in your life have been infected with the poison? (Again write down to share)
-Do you want freedom from these lies? (Write and share)
Here are some Bible Verses that have helped me when fighting against lies:
John 10:10-The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
2 Corinthians 5:17-Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
Ephesians 2:10-For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Blessings in Christ,